Sleepless and Neverending.

We held a "milaad" at my place today. To tell you the truth, I wasn't all that excited about it. I don't know many naats, mostly because of the language barrier. I only start reciting it after I hear the same line being repeated over and over. But it turned out to be fun. Mostly because of how Kt decorated the upstairs lounge.

And a lot of people turned up. Since we were hosts, I was busy throughout, fully. Taking care of stupid nosy annoying kids, transporting food from downstairs to upstairs. Didn't even get to eat properly. Made chai for 15 people. My head feels like it's about to burst from both sides. Not a very pleasant Sunday. At all.
On top of that, there's bad news regarding H. Requiring a back up story which I don't feel like explaining in detail. Since last Sunday, we haven't talked on the phone once. He wasn't angry, and he didn't know that I was. He apologized for last weekend. But apologies don't always work. Not when you say it so often, and then you repeat what you apologized for. Kinda kills the apology. He's out of town right now, and yesterday he texted normally, and I just lashed out. I needed to, I wanted to. I was so tired of walking on eggshells because I was afraid. Afraid of what, I don't know. Don't ask me, I don't have the answer. I've long since made him my everything, made him the reason for getting up in the morning or living the next day. There's way too much in my life to do and to live for. Like my family, and my parents. And my degree. And my future.
I wrote ''Leave me alone H. I mean. I promise, you won't understand. Never.'' Sounds like something another person would say normally, right? I've never been that direct with him. I have now. Assertion. Felt good at the beginning. Now it all feels hollow. He hasn't texted since. I ponder on his thought process. But you know what? Whatever happens after this, will be the truth. If he decides to give up on this, that means that he was a liar for saying that he wouldn't let go so easily. If he doesn't give up and talks to me, that means we probably will emerge stronger. This is definitely a turning point, and I think I'll be happy no matter what the outcome. If this ends-and it could-I would know that it wouldn't have survived anyway. So, in actuality, this is a test. He doesn't know it.
It's been a really long time since I've been single. H has been a safety, something that I knew would happen in the future. Am I worried that I won't find someone like him again? Definitely. Mostly because if there was one quality I will always treasure in him, it's that he doesn't find any other girl interesting. Or doesn't run after them. Or talks to them. He smokes, yes. But the question is, is the fights over smoking enough to cause a break up? Isn't it better that he's actually faithful and sincere? Rather than later being with a guy who doesn't smoke but stares at other girls?
I really wanted to text him today. But I don't know what to say. I must've picked up the phone and put it down 6 times today, wondering what to write. I got nothing. I don't feel it right to apologize. The egoistic part of me is getting in the way. Valentine's is coming up. Though we won't go out and celebrate it like some cheesy couple...will we really spend it without talking to one another? Is this the beginning of the end that I'm seeing?
I think I should text him. But I should expect a lashout back. I know I can handle it. I'm just wondering if it's the right thing to do. But then again, in a relationship, there's no right or wrong thing to do.
So this is basically what was on my mind today. That, and that I'm so tired that I'm going to fall asleep right after posting this.
Tomorrow's the start of a new week. And I fully expect to get busy with MBBS and friends, and sleep and be with my family. I want to be busy.
I'm in love with the song "We Found Love" by Rihanna.
This picture makes me well up. I need a Harry Potter marathon with some Potterheads. Anyone?