Funny how time seems to stand still whenever you argue with someone you love. I hate how this feels. Like you've been shell shocked, nothing moves past the huge weight.
I've already gained so much strength when you were gone, and I want to gain more. I don't want to feel like you are a massive part of me, I want to be indifferent, nonchalant. To know there's something wrong but not let it consume me, eat me up until I get to talk to you again.
You do a million things, get work done, study, go out- and you're still back there, with him, fighting. Your mind refuses to acknowledge anything else. You're stuck. God, this sucks.
For awhile now, I've been in denial. I usually am, because I have way too much going on already. I don't want one more thing to deal with. It's not just that. It's also...I find fighting with him pointless. Partly because, I'm not sure myself what I'm supposed to do. What is SUPPOSED to be the end conclusion? I don't like taking advice from other people about my relationship. Shouldn't I have enough insight into my own already? Isn't advice-taking weakness?
We know there are problems. He knows I hate, absolutely hate (and probably cannot live with) his smoking. I know he doesn't have time for me to even plan out a meeting, let alone go to one. We choose not to confront. We choose to gloss over. I want to know why we do this. It's not hurtful, it doesn't cause pain. But, it makes you feel like you have something left over to do, every day. And the day you stop feeling like there's something left, you're desensitized. You're starting NOT to care. To lessen it. To accept it. I don't know if that's wrong or right.
I couldn't handle it today. I told him that just because I didn't talk about smoking for a few months, doesn't mean that I've forgotten about it, or that I've accepted it. I just don't know what to do about it. And I don't want him giving my bull that he'll quit after marriage. Why should anything change after you sign a nikaahnama?
I also told him that I'd rather keep my mood happy because apparently everything he does either disappoints, saddens, or angers me. That's not completely true- but most of the sentiment is grasped. Yes, generally, there is no happiness. I can explain him in only one word: thoughtless. I didn't ask him to make time for me. I didn't selfishly demand he quit work, or visitation. But it strikes me, that he didn't even himself think that there could be something he could do, to make her happy? That's where thoughtless comes in. To him, as long as Randomhyper isn't fighting, everything's okay. And even when he knows there's something that's not okay, he doesn't rack his brains trying to find out a solution. Knows it, moves on. Cuz apparently, that's all he can do. But why though?
Why is that all he can do? Am I being the stupid one, that he keeps on tricking me that somehow things are going to get better, when maybe they're not? Is he the villain? Or am I the villain for thinking these thoughts?
I'm not sure about that answer. All I'm concerned with right now is how I'm feeling. Regardless of if it's right or wrong.
His reply. "If everything I do disappoints you...why are you still with me. If you really have a problem with whatever I do. This is despite the fact that I don't drink, waste my time or go after girls. Really? Talk to your mom, or friends about this. See what they say."
I was so close to writing ''I ask myself that everyday.'' It's painfully true. I am now starting to wonder why I am still with him. I feel guilty, and strangely, stronger. For thinking like this.
Is him smoking (it's actually a bigger deal than it sounds. Read previous posts), not giving me time, not understanding me at the slightest, changing himself to match the world he is now in, enough to end this?
Thinking about it doesn't hurt me either. It's actually something I'm curiously pondering, not beating my head over with and bawling at the top of my voice. For Christ's sake, we're all grown up here. We can handle this. Even if there's a break up, I'm not going to go all emo on this blog, or in my life. But I need to be sure of my decision.
And then it all comes down to the converging point, something that will always halt me.
He's my best friend.
He's my safety net. Even when he can't be there in the flesh, or on the phone, he's there in my mind. I remember that I can always go back to him if I truly needed him. And even when I get those ''strong'' moments, trying to imagine my life without him...it's possible. Just harder. And it all depends on whether I want to feel that. What's worse- being with him or being alone?
People are right when they say it's hard to let go, and you need strength and courage. Shit, you seriously do. I haven't let go yet. I might not, even. But the thought of it is enough. Way too much.
Time is still ''still''.
3 comments:
Awwwww sweetie... Inshallah you can get through it!
The way I see it is you have two options:
a) Have a sit down and talk with him on a serious level. Talk NOT fight or argue... so that would mean... you finish everything you have to say without him cutting you off and then he does the same without you cutting him off. List out the things you wont compromise with him, and the things you will. Allow him to do the same. Never let yourself sway or give up the things you can't tolerate... that'd be selling yourself short.
b) You let him go...
obviously that's easier said then done.
I hope that helps...some how??? :s
Youre more scared of losing a friend than a special someone cause probably deep inside your subconscience he's not even that special someone anymore. Just an old routine, that's not even comfortable at times, almost a burden, but its routine, its life, its a part of you nonetheless and comfort sometimes. The comfort of routine, of knowing.
Personally, I think if you let go, its gonna take a lot of courage and its gonna be hard for a long time, but then it'll get easier in the long run and as they say, whatever doesnt kill you only makes you stronger :)
Complcations: He won't compromise on smoking, and that's basically the main thing we have an issue with. With everything else, he always says he does feel guilty about (not meeting enough, not talking enough). So we've come to an impasse.
Morpheus: I was thinking that too. I'll miss having him as a friend. And I WANT him to be a ''special someone'' again. I don't know how or if it'll happen though. Maybe we can work things out, if he'll miss me as a friend too if we let this go.
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