Criss Cross.

Today was the 3rd substage of upper limb, and I'm SO glad it's over!

Even though it went REALLY weird, and I have no estimate as to how I've done. Lol. Spotting is always the weirdest substage, you have two minutes on each table to identify the muscle that is marked (and trust me,no matter how many times you've practised ID of limbs, you STILL can't get it) and you're rushing to write like a mad person. I got 32/50 in the last spotting, and I really hope that I get around that this time too.

Besides that, I came home fully exhausted and ready to sleep as much as I could :D So there I am, waking up after 4 and a half hours of sleep. MBBS is really starting to drain me, I'm tired all the time and I hate it so much. What's making everything worse is the results I'm getting. Back in O Levels, I surprised the hell out of everyone by ending the year on a good note: by getting 4 A's and 3 B's. People weren't even expecting one A. I wasn't even expecting one A, lol. I just worked really hard near the end of the year and immersed myself in study, and got the grades. Then I went into FSc, wondering how was I ever going to adapt to a completely new system. Turns out, it was easier than I imagined. The course was easy, and learning was easy and definitely manageable, and I ended up with 937/1100 marks- very respectable (which later got changed into 969/1100 because of a paper I repeated).

But here, in med school...I feel like a dunce. I don't necessarily want to be in the top 3 positions, being on top was never the goal. But being NEAR the top was always where I preferred. And more than positions and competition, I cared about getting the marks equal to how much I prepared for the test.

So it's been coming as a big shocker, that I've been preparing for tests wholeheartedly, and not getting the marks at all. For instance, everyone slacked off (or atleast they said they did) during the Spring break, whereas I studied everyday for the Biochem test. I prepared myself because I knew the course was huge, and I wanted to be ready. I was so organized to the point where my classmates were asking me for help, even though I've never given them a reason to believe that I'm intelligent or something.

I think they put ''nazr'' on me. :/ Because even though I had better prep than most of my classmates (once again, apparently, since I realize now they never tell the truth about how much they study, etc.) 

I FAILED THE BIOCHEM TEST.

:l

I'm dead serious.

Even I couldn't believe it.

And then there are those people who claimed they only studied in the last 3 days or something.

AND ENDED UP GETTING THE TOP MARKS. :/

Coming here in med college, for the first time I feel like I'm actually up against serious competition. Competition which will stab you in the back and brutally lie just to set you backwards. It was never like that n O Levels and FSc for me, because I was part of a small class, we all respected and liked each other, and any competition was friendly and fair, with both sides helping each other out. Over here, girls openly hurt each other, not help each other, and even lie during tests to make sure they get the wrong answers. 

It sucks that I've had to face this NOW, at 20 years old. I was expecting this to happen when I was younger, atleast when I started FSc or something.

But also, I know I should stop acting like a kid and stop blaming the rest of my class for my poor result. It's also my fault as well. I'm just not into studying as much as I used to be. The MBBS course seems so overwhelming, 3-4 times more than the FSc or the O Levels course. I'm beginning to think that it's just too much for me.

But, trying to be optimistic, I have to remember a few things:

1. Every first year student has gone through the same thing- and survived.

2. The course is not going to change, it's not going to lessen, so I better start changing my routine and start incorporating more time for studies.

I must be doing something wrong as well, I can't attribute everything to just ''nazr''. I'm also going to start spending more hours studying, and more importantly...stop telling people how much I've studied. I won't lie and say that I haven't studied anything...but I'll just kind of hide the truth. It's not worth being nice and helpful in this world anymore, I've had to learn that, and it's saddening to know that my youngers will have to learn that one day too. Main reason for why I don't want to have kids (sometimes,lol) Because they'll have to go all the pain and heartbreak and rejection and teenage and abandonment that everybody goes through at one level or another. 

The next substage is on 14th May, and then the final stage is on 19th May. I'm definitely going to get my act together and do well in this substage, and get above 125/200. I need and want to, for my own sake. I got into this college all by my own hard work, and I'm going to prove to everyone (but more importantly,myself) that I can do this, I am good at this, I'll be a competent doctor.

How about the whole Osama Bin Laden killing, hm? It's all very fishy to me, and yet...if anyone knows the American government, it's known that they never shoot their mouths until they're absolutely sure that something has happened. Too many people depend on that government, they can't just lie like that. If it was ever found out that Osama was still alive, the people would turn on America. And then we'd really see a war,

But then again...buried at sea? Really? According to Islamic traditon? Since when did U.S officials and the government care for ''Islamic tradition?'' Did they care for it when they were ripping hijabs off girls and shooting Muslims in plain sight and prosecuting Aafia for 86 years for ATTEMPTED murder, and letting Raymond Davis go for ACTUALLY murdering? Did they care about it while persecuting and ostracizing Muslims throughout the world, by torturing Muslim captives? Islamic tradition my foot. The whole ''buried at sea'' thing is really making me think it's all fishy. If I know the American government, they have an ego twice the size of their country, and they wouldn't fail to show his corpse at the first chance they got. Why didn't they? They've been searching for this man for 10 years, surely they wanted to give their country the satisfaction of knowing for sure that the apparent Al Qaeda leader is dead?

The law says it all: Without a corpus, there can be no confirmation of a murder. We'll just have to wait and see how the story unfolds about his death. And if America and the Americans really think that this is the end to the war on terrorism, they have got another thing coming. It might even get worse now. Killing him will only spark up a thousand, ten thousand, a hundred thousand of his loyalists, and they will fight back. Americam just set themselves up as a bulls-eye.

The royal wedding was a bliss. :) I really enjoyed it, and I really like reading up on the history of the monarchy of the UK (not too far back though, I get bored. Lol. I'm not a nerd. I've read starting from Elizabeth II 's father, King George VI). Also, I've been a massive fan of Diana during her life and especially after her death. I hate Prince Charles with a vengeance, and I think it is his fault that the marriage between him and Diana dissolved and he is an idiot and a coward. And I love Diana. She's so beautiful! And literally timeless.

I love how in the royal wedding of 2011, they emulated Diana by kissing on the same balcony, riding on the same carriage. It was impossible not to remember Diana on 29 April, not only because of the emulations, but because everyone wished that she was there, attending her son's wedding. I miss her.

I'm gonna go and read up more on random things online, since today is a day to relax fully :) Cheers everyone!