In Loving Memory.

With my sister getting married and leaving, friends are coming over almost every day. A just left. I realized as soon as she left, that

1. She said she would find me a torrent for the movie Diana since yify doesn't have one, and other torrents require me to download tons of shit before actually giving me the torrent.

2. We always document our visits with selfies. Took none. And we walked in the fog too. I wish we had a picture of that. It was so nice. Fog has its own smell.

I am sleeping to my content, and eating. And wrapped in my blanket every day, because there is no gas. All that's missing from my life is shopping, but it doesn't matter. I'm loving this anyway.

So, tomorrow is the last day of 2014. I have a bunch of resolutions in my head that I want to pen down. I will by tonight. But none of the "new year, new me" stuff. I think change in a person comes regardless of January approaching. It can catch you whenever. It has caught me in  different places of the year, this year. In the hostel. At the wedding.

That's all in my mind right now. Okay bye.

Of the fittest.

I survived.
I survived and I thought I never would. I thought I would drown, suffocate, in this month of December with the wedding and the best friend and the EVERLARGE prof. And it's all over. It's all done and I made it through. I feel like I've fought a thoroughly physical battle.
Today, I am calmer than I have been in days. I couldn't attend my sister's Walima, because I still had one more viva to give, but I stayed at the hostel. Even for written exams, I stayed here. I don't know why people get sad that I stay here. Truth be told, I like it. It's enjoyable. Even now, when I'm just sitting under a yellow light while friends are sleeping, and watching TFIOS for the first time.
Best friend was here which felt unreal and yet absolutely amazing. Sleepovers and pizza and pasta and secrets and soooo many stories in 8 years that they were spilling over each other and yet we still haven't told them all. Something about Cuabin crew, and the FBI contacting her. I don't know.

I am in such a peaceful state. Wrapped up in this fleece blanket with the heater right next to me and the room so warm.I'm really happy and calm. This happiness only comes after prof. During the holidays.
I miss Kt insanely. I can't talk about it with anyone else because I don't think they'll get it. I dislike change, and it's going to be the weirdest thing not having her in the house anymore. I used to call her for everything, show her funny things, and talk about random thoughts well into the night. Sleeping in the same bed for nearly a quarter of a decade. This is something new, and something I refuse but need to get used to. To texting and calling her instead of going in the other room. I'm thinking about her all the time. If there's anything putting a damper on my happiness, it's the thought of the empty house when I go back.
Okay I'm done. (:

Sting.

The toxic Prof season is here. It's the fourth time I'm giving these horrid exams and they never get easier. This year has been particularly hard because I've been multitasking wedding prep with prof prep. My vivas may even fall in between her wedding dates, which isvery overwhelming and I've made my peace.
I just had my dinner and Mom gave me my shaami kebab late. So I'll have it with a fork and ketchup on the side. ENT prof tomorrow, and I'm calming my brain down, like 'You've got this. Sto panicking'. Even though the MCQs are very very hard. I just practised some. Why didn't the department prepare us well for MCQs? Stupids.
I feel like. I have travelled 500km in 7 days. With Interstellar (I've always wanted to watch a movie about time relativity, and this movie was so relatable to me on so many levels that it was insane and the plot and the scenes still haven't left my head) and talks with A that have left me winded and confused as well as content. I always used to wonder how the hostelites can be able to travel intercity and settle and be able to meet each other during exams. I am such an uptight person that I barely move from my seat while studying, and my 100% focus is on the subject. Food and water and other shit are secondary. But living in the hostel and doing more than 100% focus (more like 75% focus) had such conflicting feelings in me. I mean, yeah, my preparation wasn't as good as other profs, or as it could be at home. But I felt like I could breathe, with a mixture of everything happening. Foof, friends, laughter. It was good. But now I'm home.
My best friend is coming on Monday, and I have been literally containing myself. Nothing more to say on that.
Wrapped up in a baby pink blanket, I will now finish my shaami and read the rest of Larynx and Esophagus.And probably have a bit of Sting later because I'm already starting to feel tired.

Empire.

Google Earth-ed my old NYC home. Spent the last hour going through the streets, and seeing it all- John and Joe's Pizzeria, the mosque me and K went to as kids. Many memories of that place. Where I learned how to offer namaaz for the first time. When I completed Quran for the first time. Alot of firsts. P.S 105 right opposite our apartment building, yet I was still late to school everyday. Also, I thought I dreamt that me and K would go to a library nearby. But as I searched, it was there. 0.3 miles away. New York Public Library. Hours and hours spent there. (How did Mom ever let her 10 and 9 year old walk there alone?)


I do not talk about my love affair with NY as much as I should.

Oh, say say say.

I'm learning to treasure loneliness. Alone with my laptop while the rest of the working household sleeps as early as 11pm. And I lower the brightness of my screen and cuddle up with a blanket.

Musicmusicmusic. It is all affecting me all the time. I am inclined to listen to music that stirs my soul and gives me shivers. Makes memories. Maps by Yeahyeahyeahs. Laage Re Nain. Tere Ishq Main. Please Don't Leave Quite Yet.
It's International Cat Day and my kitty is sick. Aww.

Since Ramadan I have been completely and utterly overwhelmed each day thinking about all that is waiting for me in December. The wedding. The dresses and the dances and a birthday and my best friend being here from the States. Not to forget the ever present vivas and practicals of fourth year prof. My mind has been torn and panicked at what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to juggle it all. One day I broke down just THINKING about it in its totality. Cried and cried and the tears wouldn't stop. And after that I simply placed my faith in Allah. He has got to help me through this. I refuse to worry anymore. I need to take each day and enjoy all that comes. Even if dance practices and hangouts with Mehreen means sleepless nights or barely breathing, I will do it. It's a worrying time coming up, but let me look at it in a more optimistic way: I'm going to see Mehreen after 7 years, and I'm going to be involved in so many activites (including prepping for exams) that I will never forget December 2014. A thousand plans are already lined up. Food Street in the chilly twilight atop Fort View. Al Hamra, Liberty, breakfasts, lunches. I'll be fine.
This swollen right neck lymph node is bothering the absolute crap out of me.
Proff exams in three weeks.
Dairy Milk Fruit and Nut every day is my survival, baby.

Change of seasons and of minds.

Whenever fall arrives, I feel so much better regarding everything. Because sweater weather is the best weather. Summers are just not at all inspiring. Loved how it turned chilly in one day, literally just one day. And the geysers were on the next. And fans stopped, and boots will come out.
I have been living life like a robot for too long. It feels like generally, I'm following a pattern, and I can't seem to break out of it. I rely on small things to make me happy. And I know they say that it's the little things, but not when you're living montonously. The shittiest part is, I have no idea why I'm living like this. I feel caged. I need more creativity, less medicine. Less Pathology and Eye and ENT. I need planning and designing and ideas to pop into my head, and me following through with them. I feel like I've been dead. I need to wake up.

Sister is getting married this year, and the excitement is dulled down. I wish there was more of it. Today at midnight, me and K just started dance practicing and I liked it. I liked learning steps and imagining myself wearing my ghagra choli, all done up and dancing on her wedding. Family and financial issues can really bring a person down and shut them up from inside.
After the sendups, life is going to go CRAZY. I have been feeling overwhelmed all year, in the anticipation of the fact that my prof exams will be in the middle of my sister's wedding, with my best friend of nearly 13 years coming from the States to attend. I feel like I'm going to be juggling everything. All the balls will be up in the air. I spent months worrying. Worrying so long, and deeply, that my health started to decline. Before I slept every night I worried. Dresses, event mnagement, photographers. But now. I've dropped all the worrying (which is a new thing for me) and I've put my faith in Him. I'm taking everything one step at a time, and I need to slow down.

I am such an anxious person. I talk a mile a minute and I believe a minute is a second long. My actions are fast, I'm quick to laugh and people who don't know me can barely understand what I say. I want to change this. I want to, in effect, slow down. Like take a breather and realize that there are 60 seconds, and so much can happen in a  minute. And I don't need to jump up and answer the door right away or reply instantly to that Whatsapp or fidget and bite my nails or tap my feet all. The. Time. I need to sit back and look at what's around and enjoy and soak it all in.

Planning my sister's surprise bridal shower today, I felt a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time. And screw financial issues, I am not going to be the practical one and be pessimistic and realistic and say Oh, we can't do it, it's too hard or it's a lot of work. Screw all that. This is not just for K, it's for me too. A moment where I can take a break from the monotonous pattern and let my creativity and ideas flow. Get happy with the idea of what to buy and what to plan and the food and the menu. And making sissy happy. I am not only anxious, I'm boring. I won't do something if it requires alot of work, or alot of money. And that's something else that needs to change. I need to take this "party pooper" mood and throw it out the window.

A lot of changes are going to be happening around here. Well, the effort to change atleast.

Clasp.

Ramadan is almost over and I didn't even see it go by. I was a mixture of extremes. At one side, praying and reading the Quran. And on the other, not waking up for Jummat-ul-Wida. But hey, it's my own amal.
I'm cynical and bitter for the world and really, really emotional regarding family, him, and Allah. I'll be this way for awhile.
College should start soon. I need routine again.