Whenever fall arrives, I feel so much better regarding everything. Because sweater weather is the best weather. Summers are just not at all inspiring. Loved how it turned chilly in one day, literally just one day. And the geysers were on the next. And fans stopped, and boots will come out.
I have been living life like a robot for too long. It feels like generally, I'm following a pattern, and I can't seem to break out of it. I rely on small things to make me happy. And I know they say that it's the little things, but not when you're living montonously. The shittiest part is, I have no idea why I'm living like this. I feel caged. I need more creativity, less medicine. Less Pathology and Eye and ENT. I need planning and designing and ideas to pop into my head, and me following through with them. I feel like I've been dead. I need to wake up.
Sister is getting married this year, and the excitement is dulled down. I wish there was more of it. Today at midnight, me and K just started dance practicing and I liked it. I liked learning steps and imagining myself wearing my ghagra choli, all done up and dancing on her wedding. Family and financial issues can really bring a person down and shut them up from inside.
After the sendups, life is going to go CRAZY. I have been feeling overwhelmed all year, in the anticipation of the fact that my prof exams will be in the middle of my sister's wedding, with my best friend of nearly 13 years coming from the States to attend. I feel like I'm going to be juggling everything. All the balls will be up in the air. I spent months worrying. Worrying so long, and deeply, that my health started to decline. Before I slept every night I worried. Dresses, event mnagement, photographers. But now. I've dropped all the worrying (which is a new thing for me) and I've put my faith in Him. I'm taking everything one step at a time, and I need to slow down.
I am such an anxious person. I talk a mile a minute and I believe a minute is a second long. My actions are fast, I'm quick to laugh and people who don't know me can barely understand what I say. I want to change this. I want to, in effect, slow down. Like take a breather and realize that there are 60 seconds, and so much can happen in a minute. And I don't need to jump up and answer the door right away or reply instantly to that Whatsapp or fidget and bite my nails or tap my feet all. The. Time. I need to sit back and look at what's around and enjoy and soak it all in.
Planning my sister's surprise bridal shower today, I felt a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time. And screw financial issues, I am not going to be the practical one and be pessimistic and realistic and say Oh, we can't do it, it's too hard or it's a lot of work. Screw all that. This is not just for K, it's for me too. A moment where I can take a break from the monotonous pattern and let my creativity and ideas flow. Get happy with the idea of what to buy and what to plan and the food and the menu. And making sissy happy. I am not only anxious, I'm boring. I won't do something if it requires alot of work, or alot of money. And that's something else that needs to change. I need to take this "party pooper" mood and throw it out the window.
A lot of changes are going to be happening around here. Well, the effort to change atleast.
2 comments:
it's been so long, you were missed.
I happened to be an anxious person too, esp the earlier years of my university consumed me the most.
you'll slow down eventually, but only if u keep reminding yourself of the effort to change. good luck with that :)
And congratulations !!
May Allah bless your sister.
Was Waiting For Your Post For So Long .
Now That You've Put Your Faith In Him , You'll See That Everything Will Turn Out Better , IA .
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