Launch Code.

Made a new schedule today that incorporates as much of study as possible.

It begins tomorrow.

Tummy feels better. Health is more or less, back on track.

I plan on sleeping early tonight.

Doomsday is Nov.22nd.

THE PREP BEGINS.

(P.S Wish me luck!)

Mystifying.

It's that time of the year again.

I was just rapt while watching Live Hajj on TV. Just now.

Those lucky people.

This is an experience I am dying to live. Religion all around you, people just as dedicated and devoted. The Ahram, the Kaabah, the two cities. The forty days.

Lucky Mehreen!

I wanna go. My heart is yearning.

Vulnerabililty.

Okay NO.

SHIT IS NOT WORKING OUT.

I slept for a full 12 hours last night. 3am to 3pm. And I woke up with a pounding headache and a body that just refused to unstiffen. I mean, what the hell? Whatever happened to fresh early mornings, where you feel all relaxed and awake?

And I don't want to take a shower, because the water heater's temperature needle is broken, so Dad is not turning it on, and winters have already begun, and it's cold. Not REALLY cold, but cold enough that I want hot water. I'm a huge nakhre wali. Fulfill my nakhre.

I cannot study until everything is just right. Until I've eaten, and I've showered, and most importantly, I've rested. 

I tried studying today. Physicochemical properties of Biochem. Easiest chapter of the whole subject. But I never got round to studying it before, so I figured I'd just give it a look through in these holidays. Biochem is totally the kind of subject that you can study for a few days before the exam, you don't need to go all ninja and study weeks in advance, like you need to do for Physio and Anatomy. Or is that just how I think? :/ I don't know. I've been in touch with the subject the whole year, so it seems really do-able. 

I AM NOT FREAKIN OUT AT ALL ABOUT PROFS. AND THAT IS FREAKIN ME OUT. 

I have a schedule and everything, I'm just not following it. I need to hit my head. I need motivation. I need an Oreo cupcake.

A part of me (the control freak part) keeps on telling myself that I will go into full panic-study-motivation mode when it's the proper time. But the other part is saying that I have all this time on my hands, WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?! The internet gets boring after awhile. And TV is very limited. I'm broke as hell. And all the friends I want to hang out with are busy. So do I keep on making stupid schedules and then not even following them? Ugh. I feel lost, confused, disoriented. It's a feeling I'm not used to, nor do I like. It makes me feel ew. 

First things first: I gotta get my sleeping schedule back on track. I have to sleep for about 9 hours a day, MAX. And sleep at the proper times too. Once that's settled, and I stop waking up with pounding headaches, then I can study properly again. So I'll just wait for that.

Ending this with an amazing quote I heard yesterday.

''When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.
~ Madeleine L'Engle

Pizzafest.

I won a free personal pan pizza and drink from Domino's! (which I'll go and collect tomorrow, because...)

I had a Domino's pizza today anyway! (it was Jumbo size. Oooh, so big.)

I'm getting too happy about these things. :/  (Seriously. This is just sad.)

I completely intended to study today.Really really. Schedule made and everything. But I woke up at 3:30pm. And then my dad wasn't feeling well, so we went to the hospital. It was scary for awhile. But alhmadulillah, he's alright now. Sleeping :)

It's always scary when one of your parents are ill. Most of us have been grown up to always expect them there. And when they're not, it's like a huge emptyness in your stomach. I don't know what  would do without my parents.

Doritos are like 55 rupees in Pakistan :O Rip off much? 

I need to seriously get up and start doing things for myself, and start sleeping less. I sleep a lot. Just because I know I can. Lol. Regardless of my whole studying frenzy and organizing control freak nature, I'm a lazy person by heart. I don't feel any remorse laying in bed all day. It feels AWESOME.

I wish the Harry Potter series didn't end. And I wish more that I would start taking the Profs seriously. Because I'm just not feeling the pressure right now. Nor do I feel like changing my routine to start studying. I love relaxing.

They eliminated Mat from Masterchef Australia for no reason. :( I swear, about 58% of me only watched that show for him. He's so cute! So what if he used a personal phone? You don't eliminate someone for that reason. Just...disqualify him for a challenge or something. Ratings are gonna go dowwwn.

I'm still gonna watch the show though. :P

Tell me you don't want this.

Eat chocolate. They release endorphins and make you happy. FACT.

Understatement.

What is happening right now is EXACTLY what I thought would be happening. Because of the exams being delayed, I have gone into ultra-lazy mode. Wake up late. Like 3pm. Do nothing but watch TV and go online all day. And even though I enjoy it for a little while, I start getting really pissed off at myself. I want to be more productive! Ugh. :/

That's it. After this blog post, I'm going to make a spankin brand new schedule for my studies. And actually follow it.

Fave cousin W came over last weekend from Islamabad! That was really nice. A good surprise, and I know me and him get along more than others. We barely get to see each other anymore, because of conflicting schedules, him with his job, me with my MBBS degree, and so it was lots of talk. So much talk in fact, that even when we were settling down to get some sleep, we somehow grabbd hold of some random topic, starting talking, and....it went up till 10 AM. Yes. We didn't sleep that night. We had pizza :D And pizza always tastes good after midnight.

Yeah, okay. So besides that, Mom has been feeling a little under the weather. So we're doing all that we can to help her feel better and to take the burden of the house off of her. I still have yet to make cookies, which I'm dying to do. I think I'll do that tomorrow. Cookies taste so good, especially Betty Crocker ones. 

All the ''used to'' stuff I had to do while H was in the States, it worked so well for awhile. It really did. It meant that I couldn't feel, I wouldn't let myself feel, but atleast I wasn't hurt, or things didn't strike me and resonate within me for days. That's what I wanted to avoid, and I wanted to focus harder on the better things in life, on things that were guaranteed to happen. The only part I missed about hiding myself was that I couldn't feel true happiness anymore. But it was a small price to pay for preventing yourself getting hurt.

I'm probably just rambling on and you don't understand what I'm saying. Let it be known now though, that the wall has been struck, it has broken down over the course of two nights,completely, and now it's all rubble and I'm thoroughly vulnerable. Today has been the worst day in months for me. Waking up with only one thought, spending the first hours awake lost in thought, lost in ''what-ifs'' and wonderings. The only way I could fix myself was to write it all down so that they could be contained in something else. My cellphone, in this case. And just make a conscious effort to DISTRACT. Watch TV, go online, change my blog layout. I need to remind myself constantly, over and over again, that a relationship is NOT the end of the world, there is a bigger picture, a bigger life, and his words shouldn't have the effect that they do. 

They had an effect today that rang throughout every inch of my body, and wouldn't allow me to live my day. I don't want him to have that control over me. He shouldn't. It's not his right. I have control over me, I get to decide how I feel. And at this moment, I am ardently wishing I go back to my concrete building-a-wall stage.

This is starting to become a weepy blog again, all about H. Anyway. Just writing it all out and thinking that I can share it to someone is helping. Whereas the truth is, I don't like sharing all these details with people I know. They shouldn't know so much about my personal life. I don't think anyone should know so much about someone else's life. Doesn't everyone have enough problems of their own? 

• I need to start prayer again.
• I need to stop watching so much TV. Besides, Criminal Minds is really starting to gross me out.
• I need to start eating right, and start making it more of a priority.  
• I need to become a stronger person again, for myself.

 

 

But this does not mean my life is completely down the drain. I am not trained to be that ungrateful. My parents are not fighting, and every day they don't fight is another day where I look up and thank God. They have clashing personalities, see. But as I write this, they are laughing right now. I am also alive. And these two things should be enough, I'm guessing.

What do I have to look forward to. The profs. As long as my preparation is really good, I will be excited to give these exams. Only 6 weeks till the first paper, and I really need to do well. I'm being lazy for no reason, and instead of wasting all these days, I could make a schedule and start studying already. 

I can hear Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan in the background. Legend. 

I bet you didn't know this:

Have an awesome day/night, and be happy, hm?

Play along.

You expect me to leave you.

And I expect you to not follow.

Isn't that an indication of how weak this relationship has become?

That whenever we undergo discussions, we always turn out making it more complicated than it really is, and not finding a solution at all?

Deadness gone. Feelings back in full force. And I'm hating it.

Stop for a second.

''FINALLY! Somebody who gets that love isn't SUPPOSED to be an obsession, an all consuming thing that makes you forget the entire world. Love is a part, ONE PART. You also have friends, family, TV, internet, studying, all nighters watching movies. Because a person's life is supposed to be made up of everything. It's against human nature to only have one thing to live for. You know what's living? Plunging to the depths of your emotions, feeling everything they way it should, and being able to balance it all out. It's all about crying, loving, sharing, screaming, laughing, smiling. I'm dead in life too nowadays. I need to live in its present continuous form. I miss myself. As you can see.''

This is a comment I posted in response to another blog. How come the best advice for myself comes when I'm talking to someone else?