Equilibrium.

So the curious question: How have I been? 

Stressed beyond belief is the honest answer. I know the stress has reached enormous levels because I've started getting ''stress ulcers'' in my mouth (A told me about them, she got them too.) They're only starting to disappear, and I noticed that they began to on the day of my last paper. Lol.

But the nightmare is far from over. I still have practicals and vivas to give. Ugh. And my first viva is tomorrow, it's Biochem viva, and I haven't even started prepping for it. It's like, I've decided to NOT stress out now. I spent these last two days leisurely. VERY leisurely. 

The best part was when I caught up with some of my favorite TV shows. Masterchef Australia and Bones and Rules of Engagement.

But I started regretting it just last night. And especially this morning, when I overslept and didn't wake up to go to college to practice ID for Anatomy spotting. Today would've been an ideal day, since I'd have ample time to do it, and I'd practice and have friends help me.

And all because my sleeping schedule is so screwed up, I went to sleep at 6am and woke at 10. And then went back to sleep and woke up at 3pm. God I feel like such a lazy butt. And I'm literally living in a pool of regret right now. Even more so that I'm online and not studying. And blogging instead.

Once these practicals and vivas are over, I will feel immensely grateful, and will take a week long vacation to go to Islamabad and spend time with my family there. I need this vacation, before I plunge, once again, into med study for the profs. This time, I need to absolutely do my best. Profs are the real deal. I know I botched up my send ups. Not one of them went as well as I want them to, but I'm sure each one was passing material. Profs should NOT go like that. They should be acing material. They should be top ten material. Yeah.

But everything in life isn't as emo as I'm making it sound. Many things in life turned the right way up, and I have nobody but Allah to thank for that :) He is the only one that can pull you out of the deepest depressions of your life. I've experienced that. I have asked things in dua to Him that sounded impossible even to my ears, things that I only asked out of desperation and helplessness, not because I believed it would come true. 

And they did come true :) Allah is really there,He really does listen. Nothing could've strengthened my faith more.

I miss my brother a lot. He's already begun high school in the States, and he's enjoying it, making new friends. I sometimes feel like I'm his mother, since I'm always telling him how to do things, giving him life lessons, helping him in his studies. I wish I was there with him to witness everything he's going through. Whenever I have credit and I'm staying up a little later than usual, I have to call him, to ask him how he is. How classes are. He's improving so fast in his grades, and he's absolutely in love with Spanish. Lol. But more than missing him, I'm glad he's over there and not here, where the political situation has gone insane and there's riots and killing. And I'm glad he's happy and busy. :)

H is back from the States! I don't know if I've mentioned that before already, but there you go, again. Lol. It was at first awkward being able to call him and text him any time I wanted, now that we were in the same country, but it only needed a few days. Now it's like he never left :) I can admit, however, that the reason I've changed was because of him. Sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's a bit of both. Whichever it was, it was an inevitable change.

I have to go help my mom out with some errands, and then eat something, and then dissolve myself in Biochem books. By the way, for everyone who prayed for my mother's health and my cousin's well being (the one that has cancer), thank you so much.

It has really worked. I never believed so much in the power of dua as I have now. I cannot thank you enough, and I believe the best thank you is dua for you too. So you can definitely believe I will. We, as Muslims, should all be there for each other. Unity. Remember me in your prayers.

Now the definite question: How have YOU been?

Searching.

Yes, it's a really simple layout. But for some reason, I love it. Not like the ''it's perfect'' love it, but like the ''this gets me'' love it.

They are two different kinds of love its. 

I feel like I'm going through a massive change in my life, personality wise. I'll keep you updated.

The best way to describe this layout (and, in effect me)?

Intricate. I feel intricate.

Eid Mubarik.

First of all.

EID MUBARAK TO EVERYONE! 

:D

Look, it's plain and simple: Just wear your Eid clothes, look as pretty/handsome as you can, and visit every.relative's.house.that.you.have.ever.known.or.seen.or.spoken.to.or.just.looked.at.

And get a lot of Eidee. Because Eidee is fun. 

I can't wait for that.

Awake, once again, early. I'm starting to like this routine a lot. Waking up early. It gives you so much time to do a lot of things. Like studying. Which I should be doing right now instead of blogging (told you I'd bring the nagging back, didn't I?)

Kher. I know what I'm gonna buy with my Eidee. So I'm just waiting until I get it. Without getting dressed this morning, I went downstairs to Dad.

Me: DAD! *takes out hand in a bheeg-mangna state*

Dad: -_- Not right now.

Me:        :/         :(              :'(

I'm gonna get double from him now for all the money torture he caused me.

I hope you all are really happy this Eid day, and eat lots of sheer kurma (do you eat it? Or drink it? I don't know, but my mom makes the best) and mithai and don't be afraid to become a beggar if you have to.

But most at all, be together. Eid is always about family, religion, and unity.

Mid Adult Life Crisis.

So.

I'm awake at 11:30am today. A huge first for me, especially after sleeping at 6am. :D

I'm awesome that way. Oh yes.

But this doesn't go without reason. This is all for Embryology. It must be so shokha right now, thinking that I'd wake up early for it.

-.-

This is my 11:30am talk.

So, I've been online since then. 11:30am. You know how people can change their lives in an instant, resetting routines, changing habits? Yeah?

I'm not one of those people.

The aftereffects of Irene hit the place where H is living. And I had absolutely no clue, I didn't think it would go that far :/ they declared it emergency there. Alhamdulillah, everything is fine, he's fine, but it was a scare nevertheless.

I love how Eid shopping extends till almost 3am every night till Eid. Though to be honest, Ramadam has NOT been my strong point this year. I just felt every fast pass by me, to the extent for when we were eating Sehri this morning,and my Mom's like:

Mom: How exciting. Eid is either the day after or the day after that. Last roza today.

Me: 0_0 what?

I'm so out of it regarding Ramadan 2011. And I'll be fair to say that I didn't do anything extra or special. More religious people reading this will look down on me :( I love Allah I swear!

I bought adorable pumps yesterday while shopping at 2am. I like them. Now I want an Eid suit, a really pretty boutiqe designed one. How I wish that one of the problems was not money. Sigh.

Embryology beckons.

P.S Until the 22nd of September,most of my posts will be swamped and saturated with my constant nagging thoughts and randomies and reminders to get off Blogger and study this much and that much.

Not to put you off or anything.

I'm dreading the 1st.

I felt good yesterday. I always feel good when I get to complete my study goals. And General Anatomy is the easiest sub-subject of Anatomy. All that's important are the classifications. And some definitions. What I don't like is waking up every day at 3pm. I wish I would wake up earlier, so I could study more. Cuz I end up spending two hours awake when I'm lying down after Sehri. I COULD BE USING THAT TIME TO STUDY!

Anyway. Panic attacks are beginning in full mode. The slightest things are distracting, like the opening of a door or the moving of a page. I turn my phone off now during study. I prayed extra Nafl last night in Laylatul Qadr for Allah to help me get through this. This seems like the hardest phase I've ever had to go through.

I've never freaked out so much for exams. Never. Not during O Levels, or FSc. I get nervous, and somtimes scared, but not full out get-me-a-bag-I'm-hyperventilating scared. Like now :/ Allah, please help me.

On another note: I like the person I am. Meaning, I like how sensitive and emotional I can get, and how I feel through things, ad most importantly, I don't lie to myself. But nowadays, it seems like all I'm doing is lying to myself. I'm in a constant state of denial. I just simply DON'T want to deal with horrible things that come my way. Whereas there used to be a time where whatever came my way, I wouldn't do anything until and unless I solved it. Simple. Especialy difficult situations.

If you haven't guessed already, I'm talking about my relationship. About H.

But it's not related to relationships only. For everyone, as you grow older, you have less time to do the things you really want. And in the beginning, you might be trying to give time to the things that are important to you, or you might break down and cry and chuck your studies if something personal happened.

But now it's like ''Let's put it in a box and move on people. We have a test/meeting/deadline tomorrow.''

The most confusing part is, I don't know if that's a good change or a bad change.

It's definitely an inevitable change.

Then again, I'd rather be desensitized to my relationship than anything else. I just don't have it in me to bring a full out brawl everytime we have to discuss something. Discuss. Something I used to love to do, to help cler misunderstandings, and now something I clearly avoid, because of the time and energy it wastes. Change, much?

I don't talk about this with anybody. I didn't plan on writing this down either. I'm just writing whatever comes in my head.

Now it's time to post this up, put everything else besides study and aftaari and Glee in a box, and open up my General Anatomy book. Last chapter. Nervous system. And then I'll begin with Upper Limb. Uff.

Whoa.

I should be studying right now. I hate how I actually DON'T want to study. :/ I just want to sit online all day and go through blogs and update Facebook as much as needed.

Yes, I want to waste my time.

Okay,okay, I'm going to go study now. i really need to. Have to. It's necessary. I need to study to complete the course. I need to complete it so I can give a good paper. And then be rid of it and be free for another month where I can celebrate my birthday in peace and go to Islamabad and have fun. 

Now I'm just ranting.

Todays schedule: half of the Sole of Foot, Joints of Lower Limb, Arches, and the last half of General Anatomy. Deep breath. Okay let's go.

In Theory.

Hello.

The day I wrote my last blog post, my laptop crashed. I don't know what happened :/ I was plugging the charger in, but it wouldn't charge. And then I just used it until all the charging finished, and the laptop went into hibernation. I then proceeded to check what the problem was, by plugging and unplugging the charger. Apparently, when I plug the charger in, a weird blue light appears where the charging light should be, and then it turns red, and then it goes away altogether, all in mere seconds. Nothing charges, and nothing turns on. Anybody know what the problem could be? I don't know if it's in the charger or in the laptop. I wake up every morning with the intention to go to Hafeez Centre, (the electrical haven of Lahore basically), to get it fixed. But sadly, I really don't have enough time.

Studies have taken over me.

 

O_O

I have to study. Alot. Send ups are on their way. The first one is on 5th September, Anatomy. Which is comprised of 4 sub-subjects. And I haven't even finished one yet (I will today though. Histo. Thank God that'll be over with).

I'm more scared of these exams than I've been of anything else. I'm serious. I haven't been scared of any other exam, more than these upcoming ones. At times, I am in a mind frame where I think ''Oh, it's easy, just study a good amount every day, and the course will be finished'', and there are other days where I'm freaking out (''OH MY GOD I CAN NEVER DO THIS I'M GONNA FAIL AND GET KICKED OUT AND THEN MY PARENTS WILL KILL ME AND FRY ME IN OIL!''). 

So yeah. A lot of tension.

Oh, just so you know, the laptop still isn't fixed, I'm on my brother's PC. I hate PC's. They'r so old fashioned to us laptop users. I just feel that way. Don't hate, appreciate. It mostly sucks for me not having a laptop, because I haven't been able to properly skype with H, who's still in America. 

But then again, if I had the laptop and I could skype, I would get distracted really easily and wouldn't study as much as I am now. God works in mysterious ways  0_0

So, blog posts will be scarce until the send ups are over basically. If not scarce, then definitely shortened. :( I'm sad too. I like blogging. It lets me talk. As much as I want. No friend allows that.

So, since I can't jabber on as much as I want, I'll just drop some little hints updating life.

1.My brother, 16 years old, little kid, went to America. ALONE. :/ :( He left last Friday. For high school, and to stay there until my family joins him next year inshAllah. He's really happy, and we're all really sad. Even though there's one less person in the house, it's taken quite an eery turn. Everything is so quiet at home, with just three daughters and two parents. My brother cranked things up, made them loud. I know that now. Lol.

2.Mom is feeling much better, mashAllah :) And we are taking routine trips to the doctor. Plese, ardently, remember her in your prayers. I ask for no du'a for me, but please pray for her foot to be completely healed and her diabetes sugar level to be normal.

Okay. There is a lot more in my life to update, but...I have to go study now.

._.

Aaah. Study. Okay, get in the mode. *puts on hardened face and plays strategy music in the background*

Iloveyouall!

I hate my hand. But I love that ring, oh yes I do.