I'm dreading the 1st.

I felt good yesterday. I always feel good when I get to complete my study goals. And General Anatomy is the easiest sub-subject of Anatomy. All that's important are the classifications. And some definitions. What I don't like is waking up every day at 3pm. I wish I would wake up earlier, so I could study more. Cuz I end up spending two hours awake when I'm lying down after Sehri. I COULD BE USING THAT TIME TO STUDY!

Anyway. Panic attacks are beginning in full mode. The slightest things are distracting, like the opening of a door or the moving of a page. I turn my phone off now during study. I prayed extra Nafl last night in Laylatul Qadr for Allah to help me get through this. This seems like the hardest phase I've ever had to go through.

I've never freaked out so much for exams. Never. Not during O Levels, or FSc. I get nervous, and somtimes scared, but not full out get-me-a-bag-I'm-hyperventilating scared. Like now :/ Allah, please help me.

On another note: I like the person I am. Meaning, I like how sensitive and emotional I can get, and how I feel through things, ad most importantly, I don't lie to myself. But nowadays, it seems like all I'm doing is lying to myself. I'm in a constant state of denial. I just simply DON'T want to deal with horrible things that come my way. Whereas there used to be a time where whatever came my way, I wouldn't do anything until and unless I solved it. Simple. Especialy difficult situations.

If you haven't guessed already, I'm talking about my relationship. About H.

But it's not related to relationships only. For everyone, as you grow older, you have less time to do the things you really want. And in the beginning, you might be trying to give time to the things that are important to you, or you might break down and cry and chuck your studies if something personal happened.

But now it's like ''Let's put it in a box and move on people. We have a test/meeting/deadline tomorrow.''

The most confusing part is, I don't know if that's a good change or a bad change.

It's definitely an inevitable change.

Then again, I'd rather be desensitized to my relationship than anything else. I just don't have it in me to bring a full out brawl everytime we have to discuss something. Discuss. Something I used to love to do, to help cler misunderstandings, and now something I clearly avoid, because of the time and energy it wastes. Change, much?

I don't talk about this with anybody. I didn't plan on writing this down either. I'm just writing whatever comes in my head.

Now it's time to post this up, put everything else besides study and aftaari and Glee in a box, and open up my General Anatomy book. Last chapter. Nervous system. And then I'll begin with Upper Limb. Uff.