Domino Effect.

I really do not know anymore where things are heading with my life, and if I have a say in it at all.

You know how people have a stroke of good luck? It's like, I'm having a constant stroke of bad luck. One bad things after another.

First, my parent's fight (which was still ongoing)

Then, money problems.

Then,my friend's death.

Then, my cousin's cancer.

Enough of a load, no?

Absolutely crazy.

And through all of this, I'm keeping my head held high, I'm being strong, I didn't cry...much. Lol. 

Today had scared me beyond imagination.

I didn't go to college today, as I only had one class to attend, and it didn't seem important enough. Histology classes won't happen anymore, since the course is over. So it'll only be Biochem and Dissection and tests. Besides, my sister needed me to go with her to the Board because they made a mistake on her roll number slip. The morning started innocently enough. I woke at 9, was ready by 9:30, and me and my sister went to the University. After about an hour and a half of waiting and people telling us to go to different departments, we finally found the right one. The guy there tried to trick us into giving him money by saying there would be a fee for correcting the mistake on my sister's roll number slip. 1100 rupees.

Are they serious?

50 rupees, I'll get. 100 even. My sister didn't even pay that much for registration to give her papers! What was this guy playing at?! So my sister, fuming, called her friend who also came a few days before. The guy got all scared, thinking we were calling an official, so he started writing out an application, and told us to go to four different people to get it signed. Then he asked us to wait. We waited for about 15 minutes, and he came back with my sister's new roll number slip. HA!

That guy was trying to pocket some extra cash, and thought we were dumb enough to fall for it. Idiot. Me and my sister were recounting the story and laughing over and over again on the way home in the rickshaw. We were going to tell our Mom about it, because we knew she'd laugh. 

So the rickshaw stops in front of our house, and the main door is slightly ajar. I thought maybe my dad went out to get something or talk to someone. Me and my sister go in the garage, and knock on the main door. And nobody's answering. I'm still not concerned, at this point. And it's quiet, I can;t hear my mom calling someone to open the door. As I'm thinking that, the door opens.

And there's nobody there.

It's just opening. I walk in slowly, thoroughly confused, when a man comes out from behind the door, wearing a mask. 

Can you guess what happened? I was so disoriented I STILL didn't get it. He just kept saying ''Idhar aao beta (come here daughter) and I saw that my mom's light was on. I went in her room, and saw that there was a mess, blankets and clothes everywhere, and I saw a piece of broken wood, before I saw my dad.

He was on the floor, tied up.With his head towards the window, not looking at any of us.

Oh my God. I was being robbed. I saw my mom on the bed, and she motioned for me and my sister to quietly come sit down with her. Before we did, one of the robbers asked for our phones. I gave it. I actually don't remember handing it over, I was in such a dazed state. How, where, when? Next to my mom was my youngest sister, and my brother was at academy. I was thanking God for him not being at home. Young teenage boys do the craziest things when being robbed. Like fight back. That's what Hassaan did. And he was killed. I was so worried about my dad. He wasn't speaking. He had his head down. I thought he was unconscious. I felt so scared.

There were about 3 of them. Or I think 4. I only remember seeing 3. Then, the one who took our phones said ''You're like our sisters, we just want you to sit down, and cover your heads with your dupatta. This will all be over soon, we've taken what we could, though there really wasn't much of it.'' So then they searched for about 5 more minutes while I tried to gesture to my mom, asking what happened. She replied each time with ''Be quiet, and just read Durud Shareef under your breath.'' I looked around the room, and saw that the piece of broken wood was from my mother's shelf. They broke it, on purpose, because they couldn't find her gold (it was at the jeweller's). They talked amongst themselves, and then a while later, the one who took my phone (at this point he seems like the leader, I know) said ''We're shutting your door. You're not allowed to come out, no matter what.'' And my mom said ''Leave it a little bit open, I'll feel suffocated, I'm diabetic'' and another burglar, a large one, started yelling at my mom (I could not understand what he was saying, his Punjabi was way too fast, I can't even understand normal Punjabi) and she retreated, but they opened the door just a crack.

Then all went silent.

We didn't know if they left or not. We were worried they were hiding, ready to kill us if we left the room. We whispered to each other for about 10 minutes (which seemed like an hour) and then my mom got up to go the living room to check. They were gone.

Instantly, we all ran out to see if it was true, and it was. My sisters went to go untie my dad and his friend,and I was helping my mom. We were shocked out of our wits.

The police were called, my neighbours were informed, Dad's family was coming over. For the next three hours, we served people, and told the story over and over again. The burglars were smart enough to open doors and closets with cloth, so they wouldn't leave fingerprints behind. So when the police dusted for prints, there weren't any. And besides, I don't trust the police here. If they ever do end up finding the stuff they stole, the police would probably keep it to themselves. Yep, that's how much we trust our goverment. Lol.

Now, the house is still a semi mess, because none of us are in a mood to fix it all up. They took my dad's laptop, and my mom's diamond jewelry :( she was really sad about that. Surprisingly, however, they didn't take MY laptop. :/ You have to understand that these burglars were like trolls. They barely knew anything, they only knew about cash, gold, and cell phones. My dad's laptop was open so they saw that it was a gadget However, they didn't see my laptop as a gadget. Probably because it's a mini Hp. They maybe thought it was a toy. Boy, was  glad when I found out it was still upstairs,on my vanity table. :D

Every dark cloud has a silver lining right?

Mom and Dad aren't fighting anymore. They're speaking to each other again.

Enough said ^_^

Backlog.

So I have a lot of things to tell, and some are not good. Maybe because I didn't have my laptop, but I can honestly say that these three weeks have been the toughest so far this year. It was really hard to look at positive things, because I was completely surrounded by saddening or hurtful or tension-giving (is that a word?) things.

Also, I realized a few things. For awhile now, I have been doubting the privacy of this blog. A few times, I wondered even whether to delete this and start all over again. But that would be a hassle and it would take a long time to build up, so I decided on something. Even though I cannot go back to every blog post and change my name and my friend's names now (to letters or other non-real names, lol), I will from this blog post forward,conceal everyone else's names. Maybe eve names I've used in the past. It's starting to worry me, the amount of...openness I have on this blog. I have other friends who blog, and they don't reveal their identities at all, and then it makes me think that maybe I'm doing something wrong. I just hope nothing backfires on me now. 

I gave my laptop on June 1st, and I missed it so. But without it, without the internet, I had so much time on my hands, and the truth is, if you step away from the PC and tear your eyes off your cellphone, and look around, there really is so much to see. When you're lost in the world of gadgets, you can't appreciate anything, especially the people you're around. I have lessened texting to a huge extent, but I remember a few years back, when the phone would not be out of my hands. And now when I'm talking to somebody, and they're talking to me AND texting at the same time, I get extremely annoyed and irritated, and then I think...''but this was was me a few years ago. Is that how people saw me? As annoying and irritating?'' So, I'm glad I'm over with the texting phase. :)

Remember that blackboard picture I put up a few posts back, that had my schedule on it? Well, those weeks came. And WOW, they were stressful. Knowing that I had upto two tests per day, and very limited amount of time to study for them, it was extremely hectic. The laptop being gone was a blessing, honestly. Otherwise I would've been online the whole time, or atleast have been attracted to it.

But I got through it.

:D

I did it, it's over with! And as far as the results have come, I've passed Biochemistry and Embryology, which are both a huge relief. Only a few more results to come out now. 

Okay, I'm talking about studies again. And I said that this would be a non-study-related post :/ sorry.

June 9th was a tragedy. And always will be for me. A friend of mine from school, Hassaan Abdul Latif was shot and murdered in his home by burglars.

The story is here:

A Level student murdered in robbery. 

It was out of the blue, and left me in more than just shock. In fear, of death and Allah, In worry for his family. In horror for how he died. He was shot in the head, and died on the way to the hospital. Because it was a murder, they held him in postmortem in the hospital for two days.

I know now what people mean when they say that we just don't get it.

Because we hear about bomb blasts every other day, or jihad killings, or air base blowups and whatnot, and we can see the death count on our TV screens, we know people have been killed, many more injured. But since this is now only a world of war, our mind has become rationalized to it. It's normal, it's everyday. The first few times we hear it, we're near tears. And the last few times, just a casual glance towards the TV before we start to worrya bout our own pressing matters, like tests, and family, and money problems. 

What about all the families of the deceased in those bombings? How must they be feeling? They know that the civilians, we, the normal people, don't care. For us, it's just another news broadcasting. And there they are, sceaming and crying and wondering why their family member had to go so early.

We never get it. We never feel what they're going through. Until it happens to us.

Until our family member or friend is murdered. Until someone we know is a victim.

And then, we want the world stopped. We want justice. We want those killers to be hanged and we want our deceased's blood avenged.

Hassaas was two years younger than me, 18 years old. He resisted when the burglars asked for all their money and jewelry. In just that instant, one of the burglars (there were five) shot him.

I wasn't close to him. I knew him, and he knew me. He used to call me ''baaji''. And we got along fairly well. But his death shook me to the core. Especially since I am already so unstable about death. And so terrified of it.

I felt what other victim's families felt. I went the next day to college, and saw people acting normal, and I thought ''don't they get it? He was murdered. He was just a kid.'' But they couldn't get it, because they didn't know. I wanted the world to know that everything was going wrong on my side. I didn't actually need to tell anybody though. I am a naturally talkative person, and very happy too. I smile and laugh alot. But for the few days Hassaan was in postmortem and then buried, I stayed quiet. Unnaturally. And not on purpose.

I kinda just needed to. Just to think about things. And it felt wrong to be happy if his family wasn't. And since Hassaan was dead.

They buried him two days later. Two days that seemed two weeks later, because of the amount of thinking I had done. The amount of random thoughts I had of him was enough to fill a month. I tried to remember every little conversation I had with him, every funny thing he said, every time I had seen him. Just so I could gather that up, because I knew I would never see that again. 

The burial was what got to me. I didn't cry once since I found out he had passed. But the night of his burial, when it was going to be his first night in the grave, it rained. Heavily. And out of nowhere, I began to cry, thinking of him alone, in the mud, in rain, his first night for the rest of his time in this world. My mom always told me that the first night of the grave is the toughest night, for everybody. And it broke my heart to know he was going through that, while I was still alive.

Everything is much calmer now. It's been 10 days since his death, and his killers are in jail. A trial will be held. This will be fair. All of us friends will see to it. We miss him, and we hope that Allah forgives all of his sins, lessens his punishment in the grave, and grants him a place in Paradise (Ameen). Because even though he was young and maybe a sinner, in the end he was a Muslim. I know for a fact he was a staunch believer in Islam. I hope Allah grants him for that. And it would mean a lot to me, and to him as well of course, if you can remember him in your prayers. 18 s too young an age to die. But as the saying goes, ''the good die young.''

My 20-year old cousin, my age mate, who I'll refer to as K, has just recently been diagnosed with cancer. Ewing's sarcoma. It is an extremely touchy topic in the family, and once again I've been plunged into shock. It is a cousin who I'm close with, who knows my secrets. And then, we randomly find out that after a slight fall she had at college, her leg starts swelling, and she doesn't even get the chance to go back home. She goes to the hospital for tests, the last one being a biopsy. All the tests come back clear, except the biopsy. It reveals that she has stage 4 cancer. She was discharged yesterday from the hospital, after undergoing her first chemo. She's in a fit state, very hopeful that the chemo will work, and she'll be cured in the end. 

She doesn't know. The doctor has given her only a year to live.

I haven't thought about it deeply. I've deliberately left it outside my boundaries, because I know once I let it in, I will cry and be emotional, and nothing else in the world will matter to me. I've visited her twice already, and she's lost 6kg, and she's weak, and she has cancer. We don't want to tell her what the doctor said because then she'll lose all hope to live at all. But I feel so strange knowing the truth, and seeing her so happy. 

I don't want to talk about it anymore than I have to. Like I said, I'm trying to contain all this inside me as much as I can. It's kind of a self defense mechanism. I've been through hell by Hassaan's death, and family problems, and money problems, and tests, that I don't have it in me to face yet another thing. I love K very much and you cannot imagine, nor can anyone else (except my family) how I feel. It feels like..I want to do something, something out of the reach, something that I KNOW will work...but nothing can. Because ths is the last stage of any cancer. And now it's in Allah's hands.

If there's one thing I can proudly say about myself, it's that no matter what has happened in my family, or in my life, I have never complained that Allah was the cause of it all. And that He was the problem, or He was to blame. I've meekly accepted everything, knowing that Allah does not hate us. He sends us these things as tests themselves. If you think about it, if we were not faced by adversity, we wouldn't be self made. We wouldn't be human. I've always had hope that in the end, if all worldly measures fail, we have prayer. And we have Allah. And that's all you need in the end.

Because no matter how many relationships you make in this world, friends, husbands, wives, children, they'll all go away. From the day you're born, your story is with Allah and Him alone. When all else seems hopeless, He is hope. And I am blessed Alhamdulillah, to think this way and to not stray away from the fact that He is always there and always ready to help and forgive.

It's getting late, and I don't feel like writing it anymore. But these two things were the major things I wanted to talk about. Other things are the usual:

• H's leaving in 10 days. The song ''JetLag'' by Simple Plan completely sums up how I'll feel while he's gone. I'll miss him very much.
• Family and money problems. No details.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. :)

See the wind blow.

I know.

Long time. :P

but my laptop crashed! :( It was going slow for ages, until finally it just slowed won to the extent where it was not workable at all. And I hate slow computers. Everyone of the new generation does. We're all just so impatient. We need to get a grip, haha.

Okay, so honestly, I have a truckload...no...planeload of things to write about. About good and bad things. But  just came back from giving my last stage of first year, which was thorax *insert victory dance here* and I am drained. I haven't even gone upstairs to my room yet, I've stayed downstairs, had watermelon,and then grabbed the laptop. I don't have much to study today, and even if I did, I wouldn't. Because this stage was the last official test for me (I do have three more tests coming up, Physiology, Biochem, and Embryology, but I could NOT care less -.-)

So, the stage today. It went the weirdest out of all three stages. In the first two, I had proper control. And I wrote the maximum that I wanted to write in each question. This stage was only 50 marks, and they cut the time to less than half for a normal stage. So instead of 3 hours, we had an hour and 15 minutes. O_O Since I began the paper, I speeded across the page, and I literally maintained that speed until the end...

and I STILL did not do as well as I hoped. Wanted. Could.

A part of me wants to run back to the office where the papers are and complete the last diagram I was drawing. And also the ends of a few questions. 

I know I'll pass, for sure. Failure is not an option for me *puffs chest out* lol.

But...I kinda wanted to be on the 'top' level again, you know? Like when I got 3rd position for the upper limb stage.

It felt nice to get the congratulations, but it felt even nicer inside knowing that I was capable enough to do it, to score high marks.

So, I'm sure I won't top this time. I hope I get above 120/200 though. :)

My stage viva is on Thursday, and I'll prep for that a day before. So I have two relatively free days. Yay! Now I can watch Castle! (I <3 that show, oh my God).

I'll probably come back online tonight and talk about more stuff.

Not-related-to-study stuff.

But for now, I'm going to hit the sack. I just wanted to write a short but sweet blog post to announce that

I am back again! :D

Hug me everybody.

Out of nowhere.

We can only accept death, when we come to terms with our own existence. How small it is.

How nobody will remember us when we're dead and gone.

How scores of people will be born after us, and live after us, and learn more things than we did.

How the world will continue after us,yes it will.

We are not that important after all.

Even great leaders and figures in history have died and been forgotten, remembered only be a careless remark, a whisper every now and then.

Because it was their time to be forgotten.

And now I realize,how important it is to establish a relation with Allah,because every other relation will end one day, and He'll be all you have.

But until Judgment Day, in the grave, you'll be all alone...with only your religion and morals to save you.

''Only those people fear death with a huge greatness, those who think themselves to be extremely important, a mere man, more fragile than glass, and have everything to lose.''

Miss me when you're gone.

After talking about the situation for months and months, planning everything, me not even needing to try to hold my emotions back, because I told myself in the beginning that I needed to get used to it and be strong...

It hit me.

H's going back to the States this summer.

And though he'll be back in September, that doesn't mean I can't miss him.

Alot.

:(

I wish I could go to the airport to see him, but there are complications with that. One, he might not take off from here, probably from Islamabad. And even if I got to Islamabad (which is easy, seeing as I have relatives there and can make an excuse to go see them for the summer) he doesn't want me coming. He says there's no point i meeting for 2-3 minutes, it'll just devastate both of us further. And plus, his family will be there.

I don't know why, but for the first time in a long time, I began to cry, and it wouldn't stop. I could feel wave after wave. I'm not ashamed of telling anyone this, because for awhile now, I've been suppressing my emotions, to the point where I wouldn't cry, even in private. It's like I was hiding from myself, I was afraid of even judging myself.

So I sort of realized that however I treat him, I'll treat myself that way too. Because I've already incorporated him in me, no matter how angry he makes me.

Or maybe because I am an open book, with everyone. Crystal clear.

So I cried. Heavily. And I tried to stop. Really. But it just kept coming, to the point where I couldn't talk properly anymore. I am going to miss him very much. And more so because I'll be free while he's gone, no tests, no studying, and I would love to spend that time with him, but he won't be here. :(

''We'll definitely chat online, and if possible, at noon, we'll talk too. It'll be night for me :) If not through Skype, then through Ufone. I'll load you up plenty before I go. Hundred rupees gives us 70+ minutes :D''

It's finally hit me. And everything I was holding back (though to be honest, I didn't consciously know I was holding anything back) has burst, and it's all out for him to see.

I want to give him something before he goes. When he went last year, I gave him a huge 3 page letter hat I told him he could only read in the plane. He loved it. The thing is, I don't want to give him something..materialistic. In the sense that, I don't actually want to give him a gift. Just something he could remember me by. Does anyone have any ideas? I've decided on a voice recording, and I dedicated two songs to him which he'll listen to when he's there in the States: ''Run'' by Snow Patrol and 'Wish You Were Here'' by Avril Lavigne.

Yes, I'm a sappy romantic. And I love that I am. Lol.

So, can anyone give me any more ideas? Like, should I make a card, or anything else? Nothing materialistic, like I said. Any comment would be appreciated :)

Hiatus.

I really have..too much to write about, but I don't know where to start or what to write about. I haven't updated properly in weeks, and it feels weird.

So I'm just going to write about whatever comes in my mind...and it'll be recent stuff of course :)

I have Thenatophobia and Acrophobia. Lol. The fear of death and fear of heights. Last night, I had the scariest dream. Me and S were on the roof of some building, which was 6 stories high, and at the top there were no railings, and when I looked down, the height was...so.

F'IN.

HIGH.

I was freaking out in my dream. And I remembered it well after I woke up.

That brings me to another topic. I'm waking up really early now! :D I think I'm becoming a morning person. I took a day off on Friday, because I wanted to, and thought I'd sleep in. But for some reason, I was awake by 10:30, and out of bed by 11am. O_O 

FREAKY. Especially since I never used to be out of bed before 2 on the weekends. This proves that it is not ingrained in my nature, it really does depend on my sleep schedule. And today is Sunday, and AGAIN, I woke up at 11am :S weird. But it's also cool, because that gives me more time to do ''awake'' things :P

H is in Islamabad...for the third time in 3 weeks. He has to go for his Dad's check up, and ever since he's been gone, he's kinda been MIA. I tried texting him yesterday, and he didn't rply until I called him at 11pm, to which he promptly rejected and texted back saying ''Text you in two (min)''.

It's 2pm. He hasn't texted yet.

I guess in a way I should thank him. Because it's because of him that my sleep schedule has been sorted out.

I made breakfast this morning for everyone. A huge omelet. With green onions and tomatoes. Yum! And my sister made Chinese food last night- Chicken Manchurian and Egg fried rice. So I'm pretty good on the food side. But I still feel really weak. Before it never used to bother me that much, because even though I've always been skinny, I've always been healthy too, and Mom always sad that as long as you're healthy, weight doesn't matter. But now I am officially weak. I'm tired often, my eyes hurt, lazy. And before I used to accept it, like ''this is who I am'', but I'm really getting sick of it now. I know I can have an active, healthier life, and here I am, settling for laziness and fatigue and I haven't even reached my 21st birthday yet! :O I think I'll have plenty of time to rest after I die, so I better start ''living'' now. 

Can anyone suggest a good gaining-weight-and-being-healthy plan? I've already decided on a few things:

1. Banana milkshake every day (they really help you gain weight)

2.Eat whenever my stomach feels empty, even if it's just 20 minutes after a meal.

3. Have 6 to 7 meals a day instead of 3.

4. Take iron and Vitamin C supplements.

Does anyone have suggestions on certain things I can eat to be healthier and gain weight?

Yesterday I felt really weird. I felt like something bad was going to happen, and it just hung over me like a cloud all day. But thankfully, nothing did. Except...

Okay, first off, let me just tell you that A, the girl from my group, knows abut this blog. She found it. Don't know how. But no matter what, that is not going to stop me from posting up stuff that I truly feel, even if it's about her, or about people that concern her. Like I'm about to write.

Inside our ''group'', there are cliques within themselves: There are twins,An and R, so they just kinda go together; A, Sa, and Z are roommates. That leaves me and S, and the way I've been seeing it, they don't really...treat S all that well. Sa goes all over the moon to talk to the twins, and I get that, because they're from Lahore, and they really awesome people. Z's the quiet and reserved one, but she doesn't need to demand attention because not only is she the CR, she's A's and S's roommate.

Attention just comes.

A...is weird like that. Different. Fun. People like her. S is pretty cool too.

That leaves me. A girl who is not part of any of their batches, and isn't roommates with anyone, and isn't a twin.

Get what I'm trying to say? The feeling out of place part?

I felt it more yesterday. When it was a mutual friend's birthday, and A was going to send a text to the twins to remind them to wish her.

But she wasn't going to send that text to me.

And then there's Sa. Maybe to her it may come across as a joke, but she can REALLY make someone question her intentions. She blatantly, and always states that she doesn't want me to sit with her, not to invite me to get togethers, and not to share things with me.Instead, she's running after the twins to do all these things.

Okay, right now I'm thinking I shouldn't write more, since A and S are roommates after all and A might show this to her. I don't even know if she reads this.

So, yeah. It got me down yesterday. Severely. What cheered me up was when A suggested we play ''Name Place Animal Thing...and Movie''. Maybe A knew something affected me. I don't know. All I know, is that I suck at that game.

I got 725/1100.

R got 945/1100.

A got 1035/1100.

No wonder she wanted to play. -.- She's so frickin good at it.

This is my Biochemistry lab early in the morning, before anybody came. I think this shot is beautiful. And I want a professional camera now. :(

Things at home are rough. But more than anything, no matter how bad everything is seeming, I'm focusing on the good and trying to stay positive. I really am. Because if I go down, then I won't be able to study, and then I'll fail, and then everything else will go down with me. I'm burying the bad things as much as I can to be dealt with when I'm stronger.

I thought about something yesterday, and I wrote it down:

''I think that, in everyone's life, there should be one person that they should be negative with. They should be able to show a smile with the world, but break down all their hopes, fears, worries and problems to that one person. 

That one person is their best friend.Who they know will support them no matter how negative they sound, or how hopeless they are. We're supposed to give our best friend hope all the time, whenever they need it. The world can think you're fine, but everybody needs that one person who they can tell that they're NOT fine.That's emotional closeness. That's bonding. That's security and trust and overall, a best friend. One who never gets sick of telling you that everything will be alright.''

Now, I should be going and spending this day off with my family, and studying, and just being a little bit carefree. Because God knows that as you get older, your life will no longer be carefree.

Have a great weekend! :)