Insights.

Me and him are having ALOT of in depth talks nowadays. Lol.

We talked a lot about deep, sensitive stuff last night too. It was slightly better, because I feel like for the past two months, we've kinda been stuffing things under the rug, and just talking about the shallow surface stuff. ''How was your day? What did you do? Oh wow, that's nice.''

I always promised myself I would never fall in that litany, and I did. 

So we talked. And talked and talked. About feelings, and things that have changed, we laughed, we were put in shock, we...no, we didn't cry. Lol. I think we're too old for that now. :)

One thing that completely COMPLETELY caught me off guard was when I asked him 

Me: So, what was the sentence that I could've said that would've made you quit smoking? Not that I'll say it now, I want you to quit by yourself, without any help.

Him: It's simple. It was ''If you love me, you'll quit.''

O_O

Are you serious?

I'VE SAID THAT BEFORE! The first time I ever caught him, I said that! ''If you love me, you'll quit. If you care about my happiness, you will stop doing it.'' And even though he did, he got back on it a year later, and then after that it was a series of on and offs. 

And then when I tell him that I've said it before, he says ''No, I made it a rule to quit when you would say that. And you never did.''

But I did!! IdidIdidIdidIdid! I know I did! :( I didn't know HOW I felt at this point. I was just...stunned. That's all it had to take. Something that I have been feeling in my heart for the past 2 years, that if he loved me and cared about me, he would quit by himself, and I never voiced it out because I was afraid his answer would be no.

Hold on. I wasn't afraid his answer would be no. I KNEW his answer would've been no. Because I remember, when I did tell him to quit because it hurt me, he would say

''I've never been selfish about anything in my life. Let me have this.''

And also

''I began this before we were committed. It seems unfair that you have the right to stop me now, doesn't it?''

I did say it. :(

I know I did. I must sound like some robot on repeat, but nobody knows what's going through me. I have ALWAYS felt that way, that he should quit, because he loves me. It might sound unreasonable, but he claims that he's not addicted, so if he's not addicted, he should be able to give it up easily.

And I always kept that feeling in my heart ''He's doing it, but if he loves me, he'll quit.'' I know I must've voiced it out too.

And he never did. 

So I automatically assumed that he didn't love me as much as I thought he did, as strongly enough.

And THAT was the breaking point in our relationship.

See where all the distrust comes from now?

Inside of me, it feels like this crazy kid running inside. I have so much to say, and I need all this to be justified. Only time will stop this haywire feeling. My mind keeps on saying ''But you've said it before, why didn't he stop then? Oh shit, that's all it had to take? I thought it was pretty obvious that that's what all my crying sessions meant!''

On the bright side, he has decided to quit :) That's good, right? I'm not letting my heart swell up too much, it's learned enough now, to not expect quickly. I will believe it when he finally has quit. He told me he's on something lighter now, and he doesn't smoke as much anymore, and he's really trying. Well, I hope for his sake as much as mine, that he really does pull through this time.

It's still in my head. That's all I had to say. I'm sure I've said it before too, but that's seriously all I had to say, and he would've quit. I wouldn't have to go through this desensitizing, emotional detachment phase, I wouldn't have t hate every person who smoked and walked past me. I could've been saved heartache and heartbreak and pain. I could've. I know I've said it, for Christ's sake. He just didn't hear it, he must've had his thoughts elsewhere.

So,yeah.

Today marks the third day of my week long vacation.

And I've already begun studying,lol.

I have to! The Biochem test is gonna be huge. :O Like, a lot of chapters, a lot of reading a lot of memorizing.

I've been feeling kind of cranky about H not being there when I need him.

When the whole ''brother breaking my trust'' thing happened, I texted him about it, and apparently he couldn't find time to call me that night or talk to me about it. The next day when I was acting semi neutral, he said to me ''It's not only you who has problems all the time. I have serious issues going on myself.''

He's been telling me that for the past year and a half. Whenever I bring up MY problems, MY emotions, MY feelings, he brings up his problems too, as if they're bigger than mine. As if they're always bigger than mine.

I raged. And told him exactly what happened with my brother. And he didn't reply. Not that I expected him to. I understood that he either got busy, or simply didn't know what to say.

He texted last night saying ''Can we talk tonight darling? I'm sorry about earlier today.''

It made me feel a bit better, but dammit, how many times is this going to happen? I'm serious. I'm just so sick and tired of it all, I don't want to put it effort, I don't want to work at it, it just seems too hard now.

We talked. And we came around the topic of smoking. And right now, I really don't know how to go about this. As we were talking about it the night before, my mind sort of dulled it out, but now as I'm writing it, the pain is sharp. It's just too hard to believe him when he says he'll quit. Or when he says anything for that matter. It's not that I don't trust him to be faithful to me, I do. The distrust I have in him is a completely different kind of trust.

I don't trust him to be there. I don't trust him to make an effort in this relationship. I don't trust him to care for me when I cry, or hold me and say everything is going to be okay.

He's like a friend that I'm pretending to be in a relationship with. Could life really change him that much, where he doesn't know how to handle this anymore? How come I still know how to, after gong through a whole yer and a half preparing to get into medicine, one of the toughest career paths out there? How come I still find time for him? I still don't understand.

He told me last night that he swears to God that he is smoking something lighter now, and that he will eventually quit.

I swear, there is no hope blooming in my heart, and no hopes rising either. I just listened. And that's it.

I told him before there were two ways I was going to let him smoke again.

1)I would do it too.

2) I wouldn't care anymore.

I still let him smoke again, and unconsciously, I think the second option happened. I've made myself become indifferent to it so that I wouldn't put myself through all that pain. I actually started to believe that he didn't do it, because we never talked about it. Complete denial, I know. He's saying that if I tell him to stop now, he would. But what good would it do? Knowing I forced him into it. No. He'll stop when he wants to, when he can. And if he doesn't...well, I don't know how I'll live with that.

''If you want to make it up to me, bring it back. The surprises, the meetings, the gifts, the love, the tears, the passion...most of all, the time. Because you took all this away. And this is all that I loved. And you replaced it with work, logic, college, no time, different priorities, lack of tolerance, anger. This will bring my trust back in you. I didn't want to tell you, because I wanted you to figure it out.''

Let's move on, to some other aspects. I don't like getting drudged down by one topic.

Desperate Housewives Season 7! :D I've been watching this show religiously since Season 2, hehe. I love t, seriously. And today I watched it's second episode, and it hasn't failed to disappoint :D very glad about that.

It's kinda late, and I wanna get an early start on tomorrow :) Bye bye.

It's okay.

Pakistan lost.

I know.
I didn't follow the match religiously, like lots of other fans, because I'm not a die hard cricket fan. I just get caught up in the cricket fever whenever  T20 or the World Cup rolls around. Lol. And it's not like I know nothing about cricket, I know about 85% So it's overall an enjoyable experience.
Not today though.
For most of Pakistan, THIS was the final, not the semi final. I watched the first 5 overs avidly, decided that I was way too tired, and so I napped for about 3 hours. When I woke, it was Pakistan's turn to bat.
The best thing I can say about it all is that, we lost respectably. We lost by 29 runs, and that is a normalish score. We could've won with a little bit more effort, but hey, if this is what was going to happen, then it was going to happen.
Oh, and another thing. India's fielding was INCREDIBLE. :O
Me and my family's jaws were open for upto a minute, every time India would stop a ball that looked destined to be a four or a sixer. They wanted to make sure we didn't win. I don't blame them, this was the semi final after all.
Well, it's over with, all back to our normal lives. It's almost 1am here, and I have my last day of college tomorrow before spring break. Yay!

Talkative.

I talk way too much. No, I'm serious. Wayyy too much.

When I'm on the phone with H, and I ask him about his day, and I interrupt with a question about him, but somehow, the topic comes on me, and I end up talking. I talk on the phone about 80% of the time, with poor him just agreeing. And then I end up feeling horrible after the phone call, and promising not to do it again. Tonight, I really won't. I've sent a message to myself that I will read over and over again, to make sure that I get to hear him out. I always teach my siblings not to interrupt, and yet, I'm a huge interrupter myself. :/

Today was a double hectic day, because I had TWO tests: a Biochem practical viva and my first substage of the upper limb. The Biochem viva went good, it was really easy and simple stuff, and the results were posted barely an hour later, and I got the highest marks that the teachers were awarding anybody: 18/25. I don't get why they can't give more, I answered every question right. This is one thing I really hate about government colleges. Other than that, I love the prestige of the name, government colleges here are equal to Ivy League in America :O So, I'm happy to be here. 

The substage went really weird, but  good thing came out of it. Okay, first things first, I got a sneak peek at my marks, and it's 29/50, which is 58 out of 100. Sounds bad, I know. But for the first time, I actually had an idea of what went wrong, and how to correct myself for the next viva. There wasn't anything wrong with my study, every question she asked me, I answered correctly. But the thing is, she would ask me a question, and I wouldn't go into detail about it (though I knew it completely!) she asked mt what Erb's paralysis was, and I just told me ''it's a prarlysis of the upper trunk of the brachial plexus at the Erb's point,'' even though I knew it's causes, deformities, disabilities, EVERYTHING. So now I know, from now on, whenever the teacher asks a question, just go all out and start blabbering the answer away. Lol. And only stop when the teacher tells you to. That way, you get the point across that you know it all, and she'll give you marks. So, I'm glad I passed, and I'm glad I learned something :)

This is me, in a photo frame on my bedside table. I might sound a little conceited here, but I think I look absolutely eatable. I want to eat me. 

Lol.

Aaaand...the Pakistan vs. India semi finals has officially begun! :D It's 2pm! I really do hope Pakistan wins, we need a victory, we need some light shed after the dark times that have happened (the whole Ray. Because of the match, every government college and school was given a half day, till noon. :D I think that's cool. 

This match is major. MAJOR. Pakistan and India have both reached the semi finals, and are going to face off each other. Just saying it is sending chills down my spine. Man, it's going to be EPIC! These two countries have been rivals ever since 1947. Any match of theirs is watched with fervor and craziness. And this is the semi finals! I can't even stress how important this is to our country. 

Pakistan's gonna win this one!

Whoever's watching the match, have the best time, and whoever isn't, you should be. Pakistan is down with cricket fever, and nothing but the victory of this match is gonna sweat it out! :D

The cycle in my mind.

Aaaand, today was an even BETTER day than yesterday! (health wise). I love it when prescriptions and courses work out. It puts more faith in the profession I've adopted. And it's cool to know that I'll be knowing how to do all of this one day :)

Today is Sunday night, and the last night of peace I will have till the 1st of April (Spring break for a week!) Tomorrow is my Physio viva and written test, and I've revised half the course, and don't have the strength to do half more. But I feel satisfied that I'll be able to attempt the paper with confidence. :) Physiology isn't hard, but the book is really...weird. Guyton and Hall. It just starts a paragraph like it's talking to you, and then it gets to the point about halfway in. I don't like that for some reason. :/

I've been (as usual) death conscious nowadays. I won't even life my life properly because I'm afraid I'm going to snuff it any second. It's so hard to sleep at night sometimes, because I'm alone with my thoughts, and I'm always thinking ''the moment I drift off, I'm gone, Allah will take me.''

I'm so scared of death. And more than death, I've finally begun feeling like this life is not as permanent as it feels. I have a home, and a family, and college, and a proper life, but it can be taken away just like THAT. And that is really scary to know and feel. I've been a massive sinner, and I know it. One of the major sins that I've committed and I am committing is being with H. In the beginning it all felt so right, so proper. And I used to justify myself by saying that when we get married, the sin of being together before marriage would be forgiven.

But what about if I die, or he dies before we get married? We have to face our sins. We will be punished. And one more thing. No matter how much I justify myself, I shouldn't, and I can't. Because every rule that Allah has ordained on us has a reason. There is a reason for why women have to cover themselves (though I don't wear a burqa, I do normally cover myself with a dupatta on my head when I go outside) a reason for why men have some more rights over us (and me, being a feminist, still saying that ,means I really do have a strong defense. Trust me.) So of course, there must be a reason for why Allah has said that relationships before marriage aren't allowed.

We hear of all these people dying everyday, in blasts, or in accidents, or just recently, the Japan tsunami/earthquake. It never affects us until someone close to us dies. And then you realize how easy it is, that Allah can just take us, without warning, without preparation. Everyone has to go into the grave. The thought scares me so bad. I have all of my grandparents gone, my mother's two brothers, and just recently, my best friend's mother. They're gone, and their bodies are soon to be no more. They're covered in dirt, and their wordly affairs are unimportant now. 

I shudder to think that one day I will join them. 

I know why I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't think I've been a good enough Muslim to enjoy Paradise. And it's such a continuous depression in my head. If I die now, tomorrow, next week, next year, before I've had a chance to redeem and to understand and fully grasp the concept of Islam...I will be punished. 

Any day could be too late. Any prayer could be your last.

I really needed to get all that out because that's all that I think about nowadays. And I want to be a better Muslim more than anything. But it's like the old adage goes. I don't want to change my lifestyle.

And then that REALLY makes me think:

I can't change my lifestyle for the same being who has created me, and given me everything I have ever needed?

Wow. I really need to get my bearings in perspective.

Also, another thing that's been bothering me. I strongly do believe in my religion , and believe Islam is right. But maybe because I've been looking into it too deeply, but sometimes there's one thought that scares me more than the rest:

What is there's nothing after death?

It sounds almost sacrilegous to even say it, I know. Islam clearly tells us that there is going to be a Judgment Day, and division of the people into Paradise or Hell. But...what if what we think, it doesn't really happen? 

I'm a person who literally needs to know EVERYTHING. Not like, I need to know people's secrets, but I need background information on everything. I love history, to know what happened before, what's happening now. I need proof of everything, even love (just ask H lol) So I know where this thought is coming from. It's coming from my deep rooted insecurity that I do not know, nor does anyone else know, what happens after a person dies. And THAT,is where faith comes in. Blind faith, that what you've read, is what you believe.

I think I need to spend more time reading the Quran. Yeah.

I would really like to know your thoughts on this, especially if you're a Muslim. Clarity would mean a lot to me :)

Overall, my weekend has been pretty good. :) Alhamdulillah. Now the week begins, with no official holidays in between (last week had TWO...amazing) Have a great week everyone! May Allah bless all of you. :)

Random Shandom.

Today was a much much much MUCH better day. Alhamdulillah :D

Health wise, I mean. 

I did still feel some bouts of heaviness and drowsiness, but they went away quicker than before, and generally throughout the day, I just kept on eating.

I woke up at 10:50am, but I actually got out of bed at around 12:45pm, lol. I was tired, and I like biding my time. And besides, it's the weekend! That's what the weekend is for, right? Relaxing and waking up whenever you want to. 

We've been having a massive problem in our house nowadays, which is the water problem. And we've never had it before, we've been very water luxurious and pampered Alhamdulillah, so it was like a serious bolt from the blue :/ Basically what happened is, when my mom was in the hospital for surgery, I short circuited the motor by accident. And we basically live for the motor, whenever the water pressure is just a tad below normal, we turn the motor on which makes the water gush. Yay. :) So from me short circuiting it, basically it meant that we would have a limited water supply until it was fixed. Unfortunately, my dad accidentally fitted the old motor with a new one that pumped water more slowly. So for three days, we've had literally no water in the morning and early afternoon. By evening, we would have found some way for the water to come through the taps. I have been brushing my teeth with minimal water (I'm serious, like drip drops) for the past two days. 

So today we finally called a plumber, and got it fixed. I liked having my water back but it really got me thinking about the people in this world who don't have access to water like me. I lived their life for two days and it made me really down. I wonder what they are going through. My prayers go out to them. 

After that, I had breakfast (actually lunch, but my first meal of the day is always breakfast) and then I just helped clean the house for awhile, went online, and then started to study at 6pm. I had to do one more chapter of Physiology, and I finally did get it done. :) Tomorrow will be a day for revision, and I plan on dedicating most of my day to that. Without revision, I suck at tests. I think everyone does. You need to revise everything once more, the day before, so it's all fresh in your mind and ready to be written.

I am currently on two prescriptions: one is a syrup, called Fercomplex or something, which is to overcome my iron deficiency,and the other is a Cal tablet, those huge orange tablets you put in water and watch it disintegrate and then drink it. Both are tasty, so I don't mind either one. This will be a fun recovery, inshAllah :)

I am going to have a really hectic week, this coming week. I have a Physiology test and viva on Monday (every other batch had their vivas already, on different dates, we are the only batch who is going to have both on one day. I still don't know if that's good or not) and then I have my Biochem viva and my first substage of the upper limb on Wednesday. I'm not particularly freaked, but I'm afraid I might crack under pressure. I am not good under pressure at all. If you want me to confess to something, it's easy. Just put me under the spotlight. I'm not used to it, I need things to be relaxed and under control. Pressure indicates chaos. I don't like chaos. Hence my blog name Organized chaos. I'm a mess under control.

I hate the brachial plexus. Nas, can you teach it to me? I haven't learned anything for the substage, I've only been revising the things that the doctor has been teaching us day by day. Hopefully, I won't do too badly. 

I read two prayers today, and it felt good. It was out of the blue too, I just sat down to begin studying, and then I looked at the time and saw that I still had time for Asr, and so I got up and prayed. 

This was a very random blog post, with nothing definite, but it's okay. I'm in that kind of a mood.

Tomorrow will be a better day. :)

Detachment.

So last night was horrible. Seriously.

I went to  bed right after writing my last blog post, and had the worst sleep ever. What happened to me...I don't know what you would call it. I was very tired, but everytime I would begin to drift off, my heart would start beating more rapidly and I would be jolted awake. I kinda felt like I was cheating death. This happened 6 times. I am not saying all this for attention. This is real.

It was the most terrifying night of my life. And I wish somebody was there to talk to me, but even H had fallen asleep and we couldn't talk that night. I desperately wanted to talk to him, talk to anybody, and not sleep.

I'm not ready to die yet. I know I'm not. I haven't been a good Muslim, and the part that depresses me the most is that I'm not even trying to be a better one anyway. I'm very embarrassed about that whole situation, so let's just leave it at that.

I went to sleep at around 4am, and when I woke at 6am, even though I was wide awake, I was in no mood to attend college. Fortunately, my mom agreed, and let me sleep the morning in. I thought that I would study for the Physio test better this way, because it was supposed to be the next day. I got the very great news that tomorrow is a holiday! Yay! Which means that the Physiology test and viva have been postponed till Monday :D That gives me two whole days to get everything done and revised, when I really only needed one more day. Wow. Alhamdulillah. Seriously. It is like everything I needed, because whenever a test is coming up, it is always at the forefront of my worries.

I got out of bed at at 2pm, wondering if I should even go to the party or not. In the end, I decided to go because I was feeling really limited and bound at home, and I needed to get out. Unfortunately, the whole party plan was a complete

FAIL.

I was supposed to be there by 3:30 max. I reached at 4. They had all finished eating by then and were getting ready to leave. Even the surprise I was supposed to give Ra (the friend whose birthday it was, and the surprise was of course, my presence) was lukewarm. I didn't eat anything, there was no cake (worst part) and I just walked around and talked to random people. I met R again, second meeting. He's still a cool guy :D I also met a friend of Ra's who is only 20 and she got married. With a guy who is only 22. And they're both in the middle of finishing their degrees.

Though it sounds completely unorthodox and slightly crazy, I admire them for it. Because I know that privately, everybody in a relationship wants the same thing. A marriage as soon as possible. It's the ultimate dream for couples.

Yes, for me too. 

I've always thought about it, even more ever since I heard of that friend getting married. And you know what, the main reason they got married was because they were fighting like mad. He loved her so much that he didn't want her to leave him, so he just said ''Let's get married.''

A nice way to make up after making a mistake no? This proposal should replace sorrys, flowers,cards, and surprise dates. Just ''Let's get married.'' They're happily married now, and her husband came to pick her up. One thing that really caught me off guard about her is the fact that she...smokes. I found out because of the cigarette in her hand, and only noticed when Ali took it out and asked ''What is this?'' Later I asked Ra if Ali minded and he said ''No, he actually likes that about her.'' 

:/

You know me, if you've read my previous blog posts. I'm really against smoking. I always knew it was common among men, but now women too. Whoa. Later when me and my brother were going home, we saw a girl in a car on the passenger seat, and she was puffing away too. Seriously, was this a coincidence or was Allah trying to tell me something? Lol.

After the whole party scene, I called H up, totally randomly, and asked him if he would come pick me and my brother up from MM Alam. Surprisingly, he said yes (I am completely trained to expect a no, and I was already thinking of other options to go home by). Strangely, I wasn't super happy by his coming. I've been like that nowadays, ever since I've been ill. Very...non-living. I'm breathing, but I'm not living my life to the fullest, to the way I should be. I hope dearly to God that this is just a phase, and I'll go back to my crazy-about-everything self. I used to get so excited for all these small things, like meeting H, and planning what to wear at a party. For me, time stood still and millions of scenarios would run through my mind about how things would start, be and end. Especially the meeting with H, those were really special. :) Planning every little thing to every little detail. And now we were in the car and we barely talked. It could aslo be due to the fact that my brother was there, in the back street, hawking us down. Or also because I was slightly annoyed at him for not worrying about the 3am text I sent him telling him I was having panic attacks (he didn't once reply to those texts, or mention them :l) 

Yeah, it was definitely a combination of both. It wasn't me. 

So when I came home, I started to feel tired again, and I remembered that I absolutely HAD to go to the doctor today. So I told my dad, and we went. We waited in the waiting rom for about 40 minutes. While we were waiting, I went to go get my blood pressure measured. This was the result:

This is low. Normal is 120/80, and I had 80/60. And this is after eating something. When I told the doctor everything, his verdict was that I had an iron deficiency. Not blood deficiency, my blood count was normal. But my body lacked iron. Oh, and vitamin D. He suggested I get two tests done, an iron test and a 25 Dihdydroxy D3 test. So I did. The results will be here tomorrow night. Only after that the doctor will prescribe the proper medicine. 

A boo boo from the injection :(

And of course, he also gave me instructions. Three meals a day (which I am definitely not used to. I just eat whenever I can) and food rich in protein. I really need to start organizing my life. I am a major believer in schedules being everything, because time means a lot to me. It is extremely precious, and one of the things that can freak me out is running out of time. And yet...I have no schedule for prayer, or eating. :S I feel very weird now. Believe me, I want to pray. I want my life to be back in order. And I know that besides anything else, prayer can do that. So I have to start focusing on that. Any suggestions on a schedule?

Now, I'm at home, and relaxed. After this, I'm going to go around the house and clean up a little bit. I like to clean randomly, it makes me feel good inside. Lol. And I truly do feel better, thanks for all your wishes! Pray that the tests come out alright, and I will be completed cured inshAllah.

The weekend begins!