So,yeah.

Today marks the third day of my week long vacation.

And I've already begun studying,lol.

I have to! The Biochem test is gonna be huge. :O Like, a lot of chapters, a lot of reading a lot of memorizing.

I've been feeling kind of cranky about H not being there when I need him.

When the whole ''brother breaking my trust'' thing happened, I texted him about it, and apparently he couldn't find time to call me that night or talk to me about it. The next day when I was acting semi neutral, he said to me ''It's not only you who has problems all the time. I have serious issues going on myself.''

He's been telling me that for the past year and a half. Whenever I bring up MY problems, MY emotions, MY feelings, he brings up his problems too, as if they're bigger than mine. As if they're always bigger than mine.

I raged. And told him exactly what happened with my brother. And he didn't reply. Not that I expected him to. I understood that he either got busy, or simply didn't know what to say.

He texted last night saying ''Can we talk tonight darling? I'm sorry about earlier today.''

It made me feel a bit better, but dammit, how many times is this going to happen? I'm serious. I'm just so sick and tired of it all, I don't want to put it effort, I don't want to work at it, it just seems too hard now.

We talked. And we came around the topic of smoking. And right now, I really don't know how to go about this. As we were talking about it the night before, my mind sort of dulled it out, but now as I'm writing it, the pain is sharp. It's just too hard to believe him when he says he'll quit. Or when he says anything for that matter. It's not that I don't trust him to be faithful to me, I do. The distrust I have in him is a completely different kind of trust.

I don't trust him to be there. I don't trust him to make an effort in this relationship. I don't trust him to care for me when I cry, or hold me and say everything is going to be okay.

He's like a friend that I'm pretending to be in a relationship with. Could life really change him that much, where he doesn't know how to handle this anymore? How come I still know how to, after gong through a whole yer and a half preparing to get into medicine, one of the toughest career paths out there? How come I still find time for him? I still don't understand.

He told me last night that he swears to God that he is smoking something lighter now, and that he will eventually quit.

I swear, there is no hope blooming in my heart, and no hopes rising either. I just listened. And that's it.

I told him before there were two ways I was going to let him smoke again.

1)I would do it too.

2) I wouldn't care anymore.

I still let him smoke again, and unconsciously, I think the second option happened. I've made myself become indifferent to it so that I wouldn't put myself through all that pain. I actually started to believe that he didn't do it, because we never talked about it. Complete denial, I know. He's saying that if I tell him to stop now, he would. But what good would it do? Knowing I forced him into it. No. He'll stop when he wants to, when he can. And if he doesn't...well, I don't know how I'll live with that.

''If you want to make it up to me, bring it back. The surprises, the meetings, the gifts, the love, the tears, the passion...most of all, the time. Because you took all this away. And this is all that I loved. And you replaced it with work, logic, college, no time, different priorities, lack of tolerance, anger. This will bring my trust back in you. I didn't want to tell you, because I wanted you to figure it out.''

Let's move on, to some other aspects. I don't like getting drudged down by one topic.

Desperate Housewives Season 7! :D I've been watching this show religiously since Season 2, hehe. I love t, seriously. And today I watched it's second episode, and it hasn't failed to disappoint :D very glad about that.

It's kinda late, and I wanna get an early start on tomorrow :) Bye bye.