Now you're just somebody that I used to Know.

2nd year of medical really does hit you straight in the face. I heard from seniors the course was easier, and it sort of is. But preparing it for the first time for a test, is agonizing. I am not as studious as I used to be, not as pre-planned, and not as much of a schedule freak. For the last 3 tests, I haven't followed any of the schedules I made for them. Just started from some random page, didn't have a goal for the night, stayed in denial. And I STILL passed. Proving that I have nothing to fear =]

I've been thinking about "fear" a lot. That I'm cautious and frightened by life.A part of does things for the moral baggage behind it, but the other part does it because of fear of the opposite. I study hard because of the fear of failure. I don't lie because I'm afraid of being caught. I don't steal because I'm afraid someone's watching me.

Islam teaches us that we're supposed to fear Allah, and it'll prevent us from doing bad deeds. But I don't think this is what it meant. When they say ''fear Allah'', your faith in Him is supposed to be further embedded into you, and a feeling of peace in instilled. Engulfed. You're not supposed to be afraid of Him like a kid is afraid of a monster. My far ''levels'' interchange between these two all the time. But I wish I did something just for the sake of doing it. Not for the sake of fearing its consequences.

I'm way too future oriented. I pick up clothes after I change not to keep the room cleam, but so that they don't make a future mess. I do things now so that I won't have to do them later. I've basically programmed my mind into making sure that my future life will be easier, but then in the future, something else always comes up to challenge me. I wish I lived in the present more; it would actually make me stop and look at my surroundings.

In the college bus this morning, we passed Racecourse Park. Absolutely gorgeous this time of year. Spring. In fact, any and every place is gorgeous. Flowers everywhere. And this particular park had fountains and walkways. My heart yearned to get off the bus and just walk there. Alone. Completely alone. For me, that's a break in life. My sense of a vacation. Being alone in a beautiful place. I will go there before Spring ends, atleast once. Sad that Spring is so short-lived in this country.

I'm in love with the song ''Twilight'' by Cover Drive. It is so NOT the type of stuff I listen to, it's like Bohemian/Jamaican rap or something, but the beat is extremely catchy. I bob my head to it in public. People stare at me like I have a problem.

My nail biting habit has been stopped. It's too early to say that it's gone forever, but it is past the ''critical'' stage. Nails are growing, though I had taken to start biting my skin instead. My friends called me a cannibal. And literally would check my hands every day to see if I was still biting skin or not. Ad maybe hit me. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not. They were right when they said it would make me stop biting. It did. I'm actually afraid of showing my hands in front of them. Haha. I want a manicure now.

Talha (my nephew) hasn't left our minds. Even if he does, it comes back stronger the next time. Makes me wonder how fast everything can happen. His cousin was born last week. One life taken and one life given. A moment like that makes you actually realize what life is, exactly. For us, we mourn a death for days, and then other times, we celebrate a birth. Whereas people are born and killed every day. And you don't feel the paradox of it unless they both happen at once, or very close together. It makes you judge nature. It makes your faith stronger. It certainly gives you a lot to think about.

"The God of Small Things", by Arundhati Roy. Read the book. Wrote a whole review on it, in the back of my register. Haha. The gist of it, it was okay. 7/10. I wouldn't read it again. Good enough that I'll remember the story, not enough that I'd recommend it. There were parts in the middle where the book was un-putdownable, and other parts where I just couldn't understand because it turned political (communism). But it was okay. Deep. A little depressing. Good :)

Tests on their way, and many other events. Life being busy and filled, I like. Will talk about H next time. I have a lot to say, but my nose is blocked because of spring flu and I need a tablet.I hope everyone's in the best of health and doing okay.  :)