The fear of falling.

We talked on the phone last night.

It was a productive talk, I have to say. He texted all day saying that we would talk at night no matter what, and throughout the call, I could hear him struggling with his voice, he was so tired, and after about an hour and a half, he just fell asleep. I felt so bad at that point, thinking that to some extent, I can't really blame him for everything. I can blame him for not apologizing for the way he's been treating me, but his life is as tough as it can get.

The main thing that I reminded myself of last night, was that even though I've begun MBBS and I'm studying a lot, and it's really hectic and hard, atleast I get a three hour nap when I get home. Without that nap, I can't even think about studying, my brain feels heavy, and I will be lazy and sluggish all day (er, night). 

And he goes through the entire day without a nap, and yet he still talks to me at night, at around 1am. I can't think about staying up that late if I didn't have a nap. And he does it almost every day. He wakes up at 9 in the morning, finishes work by 5, then comes home and deals with his family, his dad, who is still recovering from his stroke. And doesn't get to nap or rest for himself.

O_O

I think I can let him off now. I think I've been a little too hard.

I asked him if he honestly thought that he was putting an effort in this relationship. He said:

''No, I'm not. I know I'm not. But I can't. I'm sorry. This is supposed to be the hardest part of our lives, the part where we're supposed to work for getting married. And you know it's harder for us too, because I'm Shia and you're Sunni, and I'm also younger than you. I have to come to your family and show them that I'm established.''

He also used an example. He said ''When you're about to give me a surprise, and I'm guessing about it, saying ''Are you going to give me a surprise?'' you would lie to me to keep the suspense right? A small white lie, just to make me very happy with the surprise in the end. Well Wafi, that lie is our life right now, and that surprise is the life we'll have when we get married. Please understand that.''

I admit his point was valid. But then how does he expect to have that happy married life is he can't maintain his relationship now? That's what I always wonder. He's not making me happy now, then how can we be happy and maintain that same feeling of closeness in the future? Because if one thing is certainly gone, it's the feeling of closeness I've had with him.

Well, everything else aside, I guess you can tell that I didn't end things with him. And I might be viewed as a huge weakling in front of everyone who is reading this post right now. But I can honestly say, that you guys haven't gone through all of this. This relationship, every little thing. I wasn't even on Blogspot when the good times, fantastic times were here. I might not trust him to be there for me, but I do trust him to not cheat, and more importantly, not leave. He said he won't ever leave. And for the past 2 and a half years, I've been the one who might've tried to call quits, but he's never done it. Not once. 

That's gotta mean something, right?

Things are just alright now. I still feel some sense of loneliness, and I am definitely not getting my hopes up. There's a play tomorrow, at my friend's university, and I asked him if he would come. He said yes. To be frank, I'm not excited, but it's not because of him It's because I don't want to get happy, and then find out he can't come, and then get into a really depressive state. And it's been so long since I've actually planned a sneak out, so it was kinda weird planning it today with my sister. We'll tell Mom this, and we'll go like this, and be back by this. Lol. But I have to take this step, and hopefully by the end of tomorrow night, I will feel much better. :)

InshAllah.

I studied a lot yesterday! :D Even started on Histology, which wasn't as hard as I thought. I never actually thought it was hard, just long and boring. I love the colors of that subject though. Pink and purple. My all time favourite :)

Today is the last day of Spring break. I am sad, because this week has been very blissful in terms of relaxation, it is exactly what I needed. I'm telling you, if there's one thing I hate more than anything, it is waking up at 6am. The amount of willpower it takes is sheer staggering. I honestly think I deserve an award if people know the raging war that goes on in my head in the morning.

''It's okay, go to sleep, you're so tired...''

''No, but today is a practical class!''

''So what, your attendance is perfect in that class, one day won't mess it up...''

''But I'll regret it like crazy when I wake up later in the afternoon!''

Yes. That's my mind.

You know how much I love blogging? I came on here right after I brushed my teeth and prayed :D Yup. Haha. And now I'm really hungry, and it's time for the next prayer, Asr. And then I'll begin studying, I guess. I really don't want to go to college tomorrow, really really don't. I'll make my final decision tonight, lol.

Alhamdulillah, money is coming in :) And my home life is pretty stable. 

I have to remember that I'm not the only one going through a hard time because of him, he's also going through a hard time because of life. Time will fix everything, not because of time itself, but it'll make me realize things. It'll make me see that he either is doing all this for me, or he isn't. It'll make me see what is true and what is not. And till then, my defence mechanism have already been up, so I will be prepared for the worst.

I hope everyone is having a good day, and will have an even better weekend :)