Ups and downs in life. Right?
The most challenging is the down.
The low. Especially when you're struggling to find a reason why it happened to you.
Then it feels like there wasn't any "up" in the first place. Ever.
December 26, 2013
November 29, 2013
Mickey.
W. Seriously man,what happened? What was that all about? From talking almost every day to texts dwindling more and more in June. And now I have a fear of texting you because I don't like receiving one or two word texts from people who gave me conversations as deep as the sea. You are the only person in the world that I know will be there for me even if we haven't talked in ages. Who can spin talks and laugh so hard and show me all this love without feeling anything romantic.
You,nobody else,would send me a slice of Masoom's cake all the way from Islamabad 'just cuz'. And TCS me a jar of Davidoff's best house blend coffee because I told you two nights before that I've had nothing but Nescafe in my life. Or listen to my 4 hour rants about H without interrupting once. They were really four hours long. So long,and you made them feel like minutes.
I've seen your genuine smiles when I come over to Islamabad or you to Lahore. Whenever we meet we have these huge smiles. My cheeks hurt. Its funny because we all say Aoa to a thousand people a day and it means nothing. But all we say to each other is 'Hey', and we get happy.
Carom. Ludo. Blair Witch project. The G-8 park at 6am. So many words and subjects and topics. To talk about.
I sometimes wish you weren't so against hugging. Because if I could,I would everytime. You are a complete double edged sword and you go off into the wilderness at times but you always come back. With a bang. A text,rather. Leading into a phone call.
Profs are ending tomorrow. I'm adding you in my FnF since I have a new Warid sim. And I'm calling you. And I'll listen to everything you say. But please stop this bullshit of ignorance. I don't know why you're doing it and I used to care but now I don't. Let's talk. Deeply.
November 18, 2013
Altered sensorium.
I don't know how it happened, but it did.
A couple of brownies here and there, and then my heart's racing. And I can't sleep. And everything feels completely unreal. People are walking in front of me, and you think it's all a lie. I'm telling people I'm not crazy, and I wish they'd stop laughing. In my head, I'm talking perfectly fine. To others, I'm slow as hell. Thing is, they know exactly what's happening to me, and I'm stuck in this whirl of clouds thinking "This feeling is going to last forever." "I'm going to die for sure." "My heart's going to explode from shivering."
Now, I have more confirmation than any other that getting high is so overrated. Definitely not recommended if you have a darker side to you, a meaner, evil side. You need to be nice and happy to enjoy it. And friends around too.
And to have it in between profs. Shit. I'm loosening up a little too much, aren't I?
It's over. And I don't want it again. And I honestly have the coolest supportive people in the world. All the way from H smelling it and laughing, to M saying It's perfectly normal, I'll come by tomorrow, and check on you (And she did. She left a few hours ago. And we watched Vines and cuddled in blankets and talked about every shitty thing under the sun). And Kt, being right there when I was too afraid to sleep for fear that I'll die. Haha.
I want a Domino's pizza so badly right now. Veggie Feast.
Nobody judged. Or passed a sarcastic comment or said anything. And they have no idea how much I love them for it.
Okay, forgetting all the sappy stuff. Prof vivas and practicals are happening, and I'm smack dab in the middle of them. I had four days to study for the Pathology viva, and I've wasted one and a half just getting over myself. And sleeping. Alot. ALOT. 14 hours straight.
New friend. N. She's from college, but not in the same group. I have needed and depended on her so much during these exams. I couldn't have gone through them without her. I'm going to call her after this. So lost about what to study.
I have another blog post completely ready to write about, but for later.
Cheers to a first. (:
A couple of brownies here and there, and then my heart's racing. And I can't sleep. And everything feels completely unreal. People are walking in front of me, and you think it's all a lie. I'm telling people I'm not crazy, and I wish they'd stop laughing. In my head, I'm talking perfectly fine. To others, I'm slow as hell. Thing is, they know exactly what's happening to me, and I'm stuck in this whirl of clouds thinking "This feeling is going to last forever." "I'm going to die for sure." "My heart's going to explode from shivering."
Now, I have more confirmation than any other that getting high is so overrated. Definitely not recommended if you have a darker side to you, a meaner, evil side. You need to be nice and happy to enjoy it. And friends around too.
And to have it in between profs. Shit. I'm loosening up a little too much, aren't I?
It's over. And I don't want it again. And I honestly have the coolest supportive people in the world. All the way from H smelling it and laughing, to M saying It's perfectly normal, I'll come by tomorrow, and check on you (And she did. She left a few hours ago. And we watched Vines and cuddled in blankets and talked about every shitty thing under the sun). And Kt, being right there when I was too afraid to sleep for fear that I'll die. Haha.
I want a Domino's pizza so badly right now. Veggie Feast.
Nobody judged. Or passed a sarcastic comment or said anything. And they have no idea how much I love them for it.
Okay, forgetting all the sappy stuff. Prof vivas and practicals are happening, and I'm smack dab in the middle of them. I had four days to study for the Pathology viva, and I've wasted one and a half just getting over myself. And sleeping. Alot. ALOT. 14 hours straight.
New friend. N. She's from college, but not in the same group. I have needed and depended on her so much during these exams. I couldn't have gone through them without her. I'm going to call her after this. So lost about what to study.
I have another blog post completely ready to write about, but for later.
Cheers to a first. (:
October 16, 2013
Today of all days.
Small little insecurities.
All join up and form big complexes.
These are the things everyone needs to work on, rather than your careers, your future. You're not going to have a future if you can't clear out your emotional clutter. It could be about physical appearance, about wealth, about anything. You're never truly free unless and until you work on this.
Trust. I hate that word. I hate it because it means that I'll have to believe someone without proof. People can change, you know. Within a day. A second, even. I believe that. I believe, that except for my family, people will betray me, somehow, someway. I can't trust. Everybody thinks I'm candid, open. Whatever I do tell people, it's things that don't matter to me at all.
I wish I could stack up every phone call, every word, every sentence that an individual has said and use that as the reason to trust them. But that's not always the case. You need to go with your instinct, and you need to remember that everybody has their bad days. What they do then, or what they do sparingly, isn't who they are. Especially when you've known them for so long.
I don't trust people. And even though I must have 15 insecurities lined up in my mind, that's the one I have to fight to get rid of.
All join up and form big complexes.
These are the things everyone needs to work on, rather than your careers, your future. You're not going to have a future if you can't clear out your emotional clutter. It could be about physical appearance, about wealth, about anything. You're never truly free unless and until you work on this.
Trust. I hate that word. I hate it because it means that I'll have to believe someone without proof. People can change, you know. Within a day. A second, even. I believe that. I believe, that except for my family, people will betray me, somehow, someway. I can't trust. Everybody thinks I'm candid, open. Whatever I do tell people, it's things that don't matter to me at all.
I wish I could stack up every phone call, every word, every sentence that an individual has said and use that as the reason to trust them. But that's not always the case. You need to go with your instinct, and you need to remember that everybody has their bad days. What they do then, or what they do sparingly, isn't who they are. Especially when you've known them for so long.
I don't trust people. And even though I must have 15 insecurities lined up in my mind, that's the one I have to fight to get rid of.
September 10, 2013
Intermittent noise.
Exams are over, and then again, they're not. Because all I have is 20 days till the first prof exam. Everyone non-medical is telling me to relax about it, but you don't know, do you? 20 days, is 10 days in medical speak. Just half of everything, and twice the course. It's a gandi feeling, and I don't plan on studying today either, so that cuts down one more day. Oh well.
I love breakfast because I make it myself, no matter what it is. And breakfast recipes are the best, and easiest. Omelet, sandwiches, baaqar khaani, chai rusk. Love em all. I want to have all of this today.
I also want to have Italian food for lunch everyday until I'm sick of it.
Life is one long train ride nowadays, and it's past the feeling where you like the ride and you want to sit there. Now, I just feel like getting off. I mean, trying new things, and diversifying life. I didn't mean suicide. Did you think I meant that? No.
For the first time in my life, I really want to get a job and earn my own money. I have this urge to be financially independent. The times when Dad puts money in my ATM is the happiest of times. It's not just shopping, I'm not all selfish. I like being on the way home, and seeing a fruit mandi, and buying fruit for the house, just because I feel like it. Or shopping at the mall, and buying a pair of Converse sneakers, because the littlest sister has been obsessing over them. I still owe Kt a pair of sunglasses since I lost the ones she bought from Dubai. She still hasn't stopped bothering me about it and hasn't failed to repeat a thousand times that she can never get sunglasses like those.
I've been listening to 22 by Taylor Swift and Icona Pop's I Love It on repeat for two days. The fix nowadays.
I'm gonna go make a beautiful timetable and stick to it.That'll make me content for now.
P.S. It's the 5 year anniversary. And I'm sitting here writing a blog post. Fill in the blanks for yourself.
I love breakfast because I make it myself, no matter what it is. And breakfast recipes are the best, and easiest. Omelet, sandwiches, baaqar khaani, chai rusk. Love em all. I want to have all of this today.
I also want to have Italian food for lunch everyday until I'm sick of it.
Life is one long train ride nowadays, and it's past the feeling where you like the ride and you want to sit there. Now, I just feel like getting off. I mean, trying new things, and diversifying life. I didn't mean suicide. Did you think I meant that? No.
For the first time in my life, I really want to get a job and earn my own money. I have this urge to be financially independent. The times when Dad puts money in my ATM is the happiest of times. It's not just shopping, I'm not all selfish. I like being on the way home, and seeing a fruit mandi, and buying fruit for the house, just because I feel like it. Or shopping at the mall, and buying a pair of Converse sneakers, because the littlest sister has been obsessing over them. I still owe Kt a pair of sunglasses since I lost the ones she bought from Dubai. She still hasn't stopped bothering me about it and hasn't failed to repeat a thousand times that she can never get sunglasses like those.
I've been listening to 22 by Taylor Swift and Icona Pop's I Love It on repeat for two days. The fix nowadays.
I'm gonna go make a beautiful timetable and stick to it.That'll make me content for now.
P.S. It's the 5 year anniversary. And I'm sitting here writing a blog post. Fill in the blanks for yourself.
August 30, 2013
Holding my fist to my head.
Stop fighting.
For God's sakes, grow up and stop fighting, and stop avoiding each other too, when you're at it.
This is turning out to be one miserable, endless loop that I don't want to be stuck in.
I have send ups from Monday, dammit. And my brain is just stuck on today and its events.
This has got to stop. Something, someone has to give in. Make life better. God, I hate this.
And I don't hate alot of things. I like my life the way it is. I learn to live with almost anything. A friend said once "Tumhaari bardaasht bohat hai." Threshold high as hell.
But when it falls, it buries.
For God's sakes, grow up and stop fighting, and stop avoiding each other too, when you're at it.
This is turning out to be one miserable, endless loop that I don't want to be stuck in.
I have send ups from Monday, dammit. And my brain is just stuck on today and its events.
This has got to stop. Something, someone has to give in. Make life better. God, I hate this.
And I don't hate alot of things. I like my life the way it is. I learn to live with almost anything. A friend said once "Tumhaari bardaasht bohat hai." Threshold high as hell.
But when it falls, it buries.
August 3, 2013
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