Today of all days.

Small little insecurities.
All join up and form big complexes.
These are the things everyone needs to work on, rather than your careers, your future. You're not going to have a future if you can't clear out your emotional clutter. It could be about physical appearance, about wealth, about anything. You're never truly free unless and until you work on this.

Trust. I hate that word. I hate it because it means that I'll have to believe someone without proof. People can change, you know. Within a day. A second, even. I believe that. I believe, that except for my family, people will betray me, somehow, someway. I can't trust. Everybody thinks I'm candid, open. Whatever I do tell people, it's things that don't matter to me at all.
I wish I could stack up every phone call, every word, every sentence that an individual has said and use that as the reason to trust them. But that's not always the case. You need to go with your instinct, and you need to remember that everybody has their bad days. What they do then, or what they do sparingly, isn't who they are. Especially when you've known them for so long.

I don't trust people. And even though I must have 15 insecurities lined up in my mind, that's the one I have to fight to get rid of.

Intermittent noise.

Exams are over, and then again, they're not. Because all I have is 20 days till the first prof exam. Everyone non-medical is telling me to relax about it, but you don't know, do you? 20 days, is 10 days in medical speak. Just half of everything, and twice the course. It's a gandi feeling, and I don't plan on studying today either, so that cuts down one more day. Oh well.
I love breakfast because I make it myself, no matter what it is. And breakfast recipes are the best, and easiest. Omelet, sandwiches, baaqar khaani, chai rusk. Love em all. I want to have all of this today.
I also want to have Italian food for lunch everyday until I'm sick of it.
Life is one long train ride nowadays, and it's past the feeling where you like the ride and you want to sit there. Now, I just feel like getting off. I mean, trying new things, and diversifying life. I didn't mean suicide. Did you think I meant that? No.
For the first time in my life, I really want to get a job and earn my own money. I have this urge to be financially independent. The times when Dad puts money in my ATM is the happiest of times. It's not just shopping, I'm not all selfish. I like being on the way home, and seeing a fruit mandi, and buying fruit for the house, just because I feel like it. Or shopping at the mall, and buying a pair of Converse sneakers, because the littlest sister has been obsessing over them. I still owe Kt a pair of sunglasses since I lost the ones she bought from Dubai. She still hasn't stopped bothering me about it and hasn't failed to repeat a thousand times that she can never get sunglasses like those.
I've been listening to 22 by Taylor Swift and Icona Pop's I Love It on repeat for two days. The fix nowadays.
I'm gonna go make a beautiful timetable and stick to it.That'll make me content for now.

P.S. It's the 5 year anniversary. And I'm sitting here writing a blog post. Fill in the blanks for yourself.

Holding my fist to my head.

Stop fighting.
For God's sakes, grow up and stop fighting, and stop avoiding each other too, when you're at it.
This is turning out to be one miserable, endless loop that I don't want to be stuck in.
I have send ups from Monday, dammit. And my brain is just stuck on today and its events.
This has got to stop. Something, someone has to give in. Make life better. God, I hate this.

And I don't hate alot of things. I like my life the way it is. I learn to live with almost anything. A friend said once "Tumhaari bardaasht bohat hai." Threshold high as hell.
But when it falls, it buries.

Hey you.
Stop living your life for yourself and me for mine.
Let's entwine. Again.

The final song.

Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Before Midnight.

Movies are supposed to be good, not worthwhile. There's too much in our lives, in this generation, to deal with for a movie to impact us. But this trilogy did. This is not a movie review.
I never saw love as anything but a path leading to marriage. I won't call it naivete, I'll call it blindness. You love someone, not crazily, not obsessively, but deeply, down to the lowest trenches of your heart. You can feel depths volumize every word you speak to him. It all carries so much weight. He matters, means so much. You're calm but still. You're not. And you think I want this forever.
Marriage is a colossal collision. I loved saying that. It's red, blue, green, yellow paint all being thrown together and not caring whether you made a mess or a masterpiece. Kids, schedules, clash of timings, is the food ready, can we afford this, can you go pick them up today, I don't have time for this.
I don't want this forever.
I want to remember the good things, the sparks. I don't want to fall in the flames. I don't want to marry the one I love. Because it will ruin everything. 
I think I just learned what acceptance feels like.

Everything is an illusion.

It's Sehri time. Life feels so normal this way now, staying up till 3am. But when I see that dark blue sky after an hour or two, then that's my cue to hit the hay. And wake up with a sleep headache.
Enjoying light comedy nowadays. 30 Rock. I don't have anything to fall back on after this. Maybe that's for the better.
I had a friend, back in school. O Levels. Let's call her Z. She was my best friend, really close. And just because of our age, immaturity, and her ego, we had a massive fight in front of the whole class, and never spoke to each other again. At a reunion last year, I hoped that we silently buried the hatchet in our heads and would act like decent civil human beings. I was certainly ready to. And when I came close to meeting her, she got up and walked towards the bathroom. I realized then that it wasn't because of our age that we fought some 7 years back. She is, was, and will still be, immature. Though I do miss her.
School was a kaleidoscope of everything. I was definitely that "OMG! He's sooo cuuute" girl. I crushed on many guys. All they needed was spiked hair and sagging jeans. One of them is now a singer in Karachi and comes on Radio FM91 now and then. Another runs major art projects around the city. I sure do know how to pick 'em.
I crushed on H too, but I never saw it heading anywhere. Look how that turned out, haha.
And drama. So much of it. And rebellion. I was this close to being expelled. Instead, I was suspended. And failing tests was a regular.
I wish I knew how I got my act together so I could give advice to people about it.
Now, there's none of that in me. No cute boys, no rebel, no failing. I'm this straitlaced person now. Unbelievable in my eyes.
 Kicking the habit of biting nails is so hard, crazy hard. Struggling.
Going to make a list of the people who can see my full profile on Facebook. Later.

My deconstructed day + summer so far.

• I have a 10$ bill in my black and white dotted wallet. I've had it since 2005, when the dollar was 57 rupees. Now it's at the 100 rupee mark, but I can't bring myself to convert it. I've thought about it a hundred times, in a hundred different places. At a store, when I really wanted that bag. Or at the Duty Free, when it could get me another box of chocolates. But it's still there. I find it amusing that I could keep it in there for so long, when I'm usually very capricious with my money, and where it goes.
•   The weather affects everyone's mood. Let's all accept it and avoid our worst tempered friends when the sun is blazing. And then laugh and play in the rain together when it comes.
• I'm not excited about summer vacations. At all. I won't have to wake up at 6am anymore, but I'll probably be isolated most of the time, and sitting at home. Especially since Ramadan starts  a few days after the vacations do. So, all my time will be for that.
• Every day, wake up with a new purpose.
• A friend's laptop broke a couple of days back. The Shahbaz Sharif ones that we got. It makes me so grateful that my laptop is alive, because I put it through absolute hell, every day. I do not deserve this.
• Pharmacology presentation left, and then it's all classes. That's a relief.
• Third year professional exams scare me more than the first two professionals I gave. I'm scared right now even though the damn thing is 3 months away. Aargh, worry wart I am.
• My Milo and milk is in the freezer getting cold. I'm anticipating it.
• Words are beautiful. The people who write them aren't, necessarily.
• Quit nail biting habit regimen. Not successful, I keep on doing it in the deepest subconscious way. I am so annoyed at myself; how can I not know when I'm doing it?
• House season 6. Then all the way to 8, then Game of Thrones, then anything else I can get my hands on. 
• I can touch my toes now. I couldn't before. I realized, my body is a creaky machine. It is not flexible in the slightest and I do the bare minimum. I need to be more healthy.
• Didn't take enough pictures for third year. Hm. Now, third year of med school is summarizing in my head this last week. The ups and the downs, the best points and the worst.
• I want to stop talking less, and listening more. I'm a horrendous listener.