Oh, say say say.

I'm learning to treasure loneliness. Alone with my laptop while the rest of the working household sleeps as early as 11pm. And I lower the brightness of my screen and cuddle up with a blanket.

Musicmusicmusic. It is all affecting me all the time. I am inclined to listen to music that stirs my soul and gives me shivers. Makes memories. Maps by Yeahyeahyeahs. Laage Re Nain. Tere Ishq Main. Please Don't Leave Quite Yet.
It's International Cat Day and my kitty is sick. Aww.

Since Ramadan I have been completely and utterly overwhelmed each day thinking about all that is waiting for me in December. The wedding. The dresses and the dances and a birthday and my best friend being here from the States. Not to forget the ever present vivas and practicals of fourth year prof. My mind has been torn and panicked at what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to juggle it all. One day I broke down just THINKING about it in its totality. Cried and cried and the tears wouldn't stop. And after that I simply placed my faith in Allah. He has got to help me through this. I refuse to worry anymore. I need to take each day and enjoy all that comes. Even if dance practices and hangouts with Mehreen means sleepless nights or barely breathing, I will do it. It's a worrying time coming up, but let me look at it in a more optimistic way: I'm going to see Mehreen after 7 years, and I'm going to be involved in so many activites (including prepping for exams) that I will never forget December 2014. A thousand plans are already lined up. Food Street in the chilly twilight atop Fort View. Al Hamra, Liberty, breakfasts, lunches. I'll be fine.
This swollen right neck lymph node is bothering the absolute crap out of me.
Proff exams in three weeks.
Dairy Milk Fruit and Nut every day is my survival, baby.

Change of seasons and of minds.

Whenever fall arrives, I feel so much better regarding everything. Because sweater weather is the best weather. Summers are just not at all inspiring. Loved how it turned chilly in one day, literally just one day. And the geysers were on the next. And fans stopped, and boots will come out.
I have been living life like a robot for too long. It feels like generally, I'm following a pattern, and I can't seem to break out of it. I rely on small things to make me happy. And I know they say that it's the little things, but not when you're living montonously. The shittiest part is, I have no idea why I'm living like this. I feel caged. I need more creativity, less medicine. Less Pathology and Eye and ENT. I need planning and designing and ideas to pop into my head, and me following through with them. I feel like I've been dead. I need to wake up.

Sister is getting married this year, and the excitement is dulled down. I wish there was more of it. Today at midnight, me and K just started dance practicing and I liked it. I liked learning steps and imagining myself wearing my ghagra choli, all done up and dancing on her wedding. Family and financial issues can really bring a person down and shut them up from inside.
After the sendups, life is going to go CRAZY. I have been feeling overwhelmed all year, in the anticipation of the fact that my prof exams will be in the middle of my sister's wedding, with my best friend of nearly 13 years coming from the States to attend. I feel like I'm going to be juggling everything. All the balls will be up in the air. I spent months worrying. Worrying so long, and deeply, that my health started to decline. Before I slept every night I worried. Dresses, event mnagement, photographers. But now. I've dropped all the worrying (which is a new thing for me) and I've put my faith in Him. I'm taking everything one step at a time, and I need to slow down.

I am such an anxious person. I talk a mile a minute and I believe a minute is a second long. My actions are fast, I'm quick to laugh and people who don't know me can barely understand what I say. I want to change this. I want to, in effect, slow down. Like take a breather and realize that there are 60 seconds, and so much can happen in a  minute. And I don't need to jump up and answer the door right away or reply instantly to that Whatsapp or fidget and bite my nails or tap my feet all. The. Time. I need to sit back and look at what's around and enjoy and soak it all in.

Planning my sister's surprise bridal shower today, I felt a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time. And screw financial issues, I am not going to be the practical one and be pessimistic and realistic and say Oh, we can't do it, it's too hard or it's a lot of work. Screw all that. This is not just for K, it's for me too. A moment where I can take a break from the monotonous pattern and let my creativity and ideas flow. Get happy with the idea of what to buy and what to plan and the food and the menu. And making sissy happy. I am not only anxious, I'm boring. I won't do something if it requires alot of work, or alot of money. And that's something else that needs to change. I need to take this "party pooper" mood and throw it out the window.

A lot of changes are going to be happening around here. Well, the effort to change atleast.

Clasp.

Ramadan is almost over and I didn't even see it go by. I was a mixture of extremes. At one side, praying and reading the Quran. And on the other, not waking up for Jummat-ul-Wida. But hey, it's my own amal.
I'm cynical and bitter for the world and really, really emotional regarding family, him, and Allah. I'll be this way for awhile.
College should start soon. I need routine again.

"It's been good knowing you."

It's been heartbreaking knowing YOU.

Us.

"We have the freedom to choose, but we don't have freedom from the consequences of our choices."

We won't survive this.
I knew it long before you told me today in your disconcerned, selfish way. Atleast I had the grace to silently bear it.

Change.

Change is the only constant. We're hearing about this from the moment we're teenagers and everyone is telling us how it's like to be an adult, but we don't really know what it means until it happens. And most of the time, you don't even know it's happening until its over.
We change our friends. Our style. The way we talk. Every relationship changes. Your mother and father were superheroes for the first 15 years of your life; infallible. And then you see the mistakes they make. And the way you can do things better. It's hard to digest at first. Mom/ Dad are wrong, but how can they be? And then later on it's simple. They're only human. And we are equal, albeit wiser than them.
Those college friends. The ones that cried with you when you broke up with your first ever serious relationship. And literally did everything that's been immortalized on the silver screen. There's a saying, however. "You're only friends with some people because you have to see them five days a week." And that was my case with college. I see them now and I don't understand how I fit, or how I ever did. They're so different than me. I'd rather not see them.
The "really" serious relationship. Going on six years. But were they lively, fulfilled six years? Or three of those and then three dead ones? Am I mistaking comfortable old-married-ness to falling in a rut? Are we over before being officially over? Don't know. But what I know is that nothing is the same. It's like walking into your room from uni and seeing that the bed, the walls, the carpet, everything is different. That small shock and stun you feel is what I'm feeling right now regarding H and this.
I'm watching too much Sex and the City I think.
You don;t understand change. And then you hate it, cry your heart over it. And then you accept it.

Brightness

This weekend was so nice. Everything felt good. Meeting new people as well as re-meeting old ones. I think this was my last big break before the whole torrent of fourth years tests begin. Already I have a Pathology spotting on Friday and a Community Medicine test on Saturday. And ENT ward starts tomorrow, in which attendance and passing the assessment matters alot. Yikes, crazy situation about to unload.
I watched X Men. It was nice, and I liked it even before I knew that it was being raved by critics and people alike. I'm not much of a comic book or an action fan. I watched Avengers two years ago, and I don't remember its story at all. More than the movie, I enjoyed the company. It was good, clean company. Much against Mum's request (in fact, with a lot of scolding) I went out to lunch with two of my FSc friends. I realized how much I enjoyed some parts of their company whereas others were plainly annoying. And how they would say things that would be considered lame in my new circle of friends. They were different, or maybe I was. I don't think I'll be meeting them again soon. They always remind me of how I was in FSc, and I cringe in embarrassment. I don't like being reminded because I was a hopeless human being, haha. Truly. I had weird concepts and ideas and I always said the strangest things. But when J (one of them) was dropping me off home, she said "You know it's you that changed right? And I miss that alot. I want to believe it's all because of medical college, but I know it's not only that. It's new friends, new you. I just miss you." I didn't know how to respond to that so I didn't.
H was mentioned too many times today. This rut is growing deeper and deeper and I want somebody to just tell me what to do. And then I want somebody else to give me the courage to do it.
Laptop is fixed and it feels like I got my breath back. It feels really good. Now I need to get my phone's mic fixed and I'll be set for life.
Tomorrow's Monday.