Will be forced into hibernation.

Click to enlarge.

OH MY GOD.

Seriously? Look at that. There's barely any time in between for preparing for all this, let alone for free time. For movies. And internet. And sleeping longer than 6 hours a day. :(

By my calculations...

today (rather, tonight) is my last free night before the summer vacations begin on July 1st.

Lord, help me.
People, pray. 

Criss Cross.

Today was the 3rd substage of upper limb, and I'm SO glad it's over!

Even though it went REALLY weird, and I have no estimate as to how I've done. Lol. Spotting is always the weirdest substage, you have two minutes on each table to identify the muscle that is marked (and trust me,no matter how many times you've practised ID of limbs, you STILL can't get it) and you're rushing to write like a mad person. I got 32/50 in the last spotting, and I really hope that I get around that this time too.

Besides that, I came home fully exhausted and ready to sleep as much as I could :D So there I am, waking up after 4 and a half hours of sleep. MBBS is really starting to drain me, I'm tired all the time and I hate it so much. What's making everything worse is the results I'm getting. Back in O Levels, I surprised the hell out of everyone by ending the year on a good note: by getting 4 A's and 3 B's. People weren't even expecting one A. I wasn't even expecting one A, lol. I just worked really hard near the end of the year and immersed myself in study, and got the grades. Then I went into FSc, wondering how was I ever going to adapt to a completely new system. Turns out, it was easier than I imagined. The course was easy, and learning was easy and definitely manageable, and I ended up with 937/1100 marks- very respectable (which later got changed into 969/1100 because of a paper I repeated).

But here, in med school...I feel like a dunce. I don't necessarily want to be in the top 3 positions, being on top was never the goal. But being NEAR the top was always where I preferred. And more than positions and competition, I cared about getting the marks equal to how much I prepared for the test.

So it's been coming as a big shocker, that I've been preparing for tests wholeheartedly, and not getting the marks at all. For instance, everyone slacked off (or atleast they said they did) during the Spring break, whereas I studied everyday for the Biochem test. I prepared myself because I knew the course was huge, and I wanted to be ready. I was so organized to the point where my classmates were asking me for help, even though I've never given them a reason to believe that I'm intelligent or something.

I think they put ''nazr'' on me. :/ Because even though I had better prep than most of my classmates (once again, apparently, since I realize now they never tell the truth about how much they study, etc.) 

I FAILED THE BIOCHEM TEST.

:l

I'm dead serious.

Even I couldn't believe it.

And then there are those people who claimed they only studied in the last 3 days or something.

AND ENDED UP GETTING THE TOP MARKS. :/

Coming here in med college, for the first time I feel like I'm actually up against serious competition. Competition which will stab you in the back and brutally lie just to set you backwards. It was never like that n O Levels and FSc for me, because I was part of a small class, we all respected and liked each other, and any competition was friendly and fair, with both sides helping each other out. Over here, girls openly hurt each other, not help each other, and even lie during tests to make sure they get the wrong answers. 

It sucks that I've had to face this NOW, at 20 years old. I was expecting this to happen when I was younger, atleast when I started FSc or something.

But also, I know I should stop acting like a kid and stop blaming the rest of my class for my poor result. It's also my fault as well. I'm just not into studying as much as I used to be. The MBBS course seems so overwhelming, 3-4 times more than the FSc or the O Levels course. I'm beginning to think that it's just too much for me.

But, trying to be optimistic, I have to remember a few things:

1. Every first year student has gone through the same thing- and survived.

2. The course is not going to change, it's not going to lessen, so I better start changing my routine and start incorporating more time for studies.

I must be doing something wrong as well, I can't attribute everything to just ''nazr''. I'm also going to start spending more hours studying, and more importantly...stop telling people how much I've studied. I won't lie and say that I haven't studied anything...but I'll just kind of hide the truth. It's not worth being nice and helpful in this world anymore, I've had to learn that, and it's saddening to know that my youngers will have to learn that one day too. Main reason for why I don't want to have kids (sometimes,lol) Because they'll have to go all the pain and heartbreak and rejection and teenage and abandonment that everybody goes through at one level or another. 

The next substage is on 14th May, and then the final stage is on 19th May. I'm definitely going to get my act together and do well in this substage, and get above 125/200. I need and want to, for my own sake. I got into this college all by my own hard work, and I'm going to prove to everyone (but more importantly,myself) that I can do this, I am good at this, I'll be a competent doctor.

How about the whole Osama Bin Laden killing, hm? It's all very fishy to me, and yet...if anyone knows the American government, it's known that they never shoot their mouths until they're absolutely sure that something has happened. Too many people depend on that government, they can't just lie like that. If it was ever found out that Osama was still alive, the people would turn on America. And then we'd really see a war,

But then again...buried at sea? Really? According to Islamic traditon? Since when did U.S officials and the government care for ''Islamic tradition?'' Did they care for it when they were ripping hijabs off girls and shooting Muslims in plain sight and prosecuting Aafia for 86 years for ATTEMPTED murder, and letting Raymond Davis go for ACTUALLY murdering? Did they care about it while persecuting and ostracizing Muslims throughout the world, by torturing Muslim captives? Islamic tradition my foot. The whole ''buried at sea'' thing is really making me think it's all fishy. If I know the American government, they have an ego twice the size of their country, and they wouldn't fail to show his corpse at the first chance they got. Why didn't they? They've been searching for this man for 10 years, surely they wanted to give their country the satisfaction of knowing for sure that the apparent Al Qaeda leader is dead?

The law says it all: Without a corpus, there can be no confirmation of a murder. We'll just have to wait and see how the story unfolds about his death. And if America and the Americans really think that this is the end to the war on terrorism, they have got another thing coming. It might even get worse now. Killing him will only spark up a thousand, ten thousand, a hundred thousand of his loyalists, and they will fight back. Americam just set themselves up as a bulls-eye.

The royal wedding was a bliss. :) I really enjoyed it, and I really like reading up on the history of the monarchy of the UK (not too far back though, I get bored. Lol. I'm not a nerd. I've read starting from Elizabeth II 's father, King George VI). Also, I've been a massive fan of Diana during her life and especially after her death. I hate Prince Charles with a vengeance, and I think it is his fault that the marriage between him and Diana dissolved and he is an idiot and a coward. And I love Diana. She's so beautiful! And literally timeless.

I love how in the royal wedding of 2011, they emulated Diana by kissing on the same balcony, riding on the same carriage. It was impossible not to remember Diana on 29 April, not only because of the emulations, but because everyone wished that she was there, attending her son's wedding. I miss her.

I'm gonna go and read up more on random things online, since today is a day to relax fully :) Cheers everyone!

Paperweight.

Maybe it's just me, but life is definitely getting tougher. Will get to that later.

I went to Kallar Kahar this Saturday on the trip! Okay, I know the trip was for Khewra Mines first, but there was a alot of hassle involved, our Class Rep (who is also in my group of friends) was running around back and forth, trying to arrange everything- fuel, guest house, food, timings. The trip ended up changing three venues, then cancelling (NO!) and then changing back to Kallar Kahar.

Kallar Kahar :)

A jungle in a mountain.

So, overall, it was fun. Even though the heat was sweltering (I don't know what April is playing at, I mean, the scorching heat begins in July, it's crazy for it to begin now! Global warming people...) we ignored it, drank loads and loads of water (we literally had a bottle collection on the way home) and had the time of our lives. On the way back, we all gathered up in the bus and talked about our lives, our families, and most scariest of all...scary stories. Lol. It was actually a perfect scene, because the lights in the bus were on, and since it was nighttime, it was pitch black outside. Scary :/

Besides the trip, you know what the best part was? I got to stay in the hostel with A and Sa and S! :D I planned that from the beginning, but on the way home, my mom stopped me and said I had to come home. But when I got to the hostel, I called her again and told her that they were all insisting that I should stay. Kind of dejectedly, she said ''Okayyy.'' Haha.

It's sad that I don't have any pictures of that, but it was ten times better than the trip. We stayed up and watched a movie called ''Dear John'', which was really nice. I'm a sucker for romantic films, seriously. And I was near tears at one part, but since A was watching the movie with me, I didn't want to cry. We had coffee, and we also had a slight adventure in which someone came knocking on the door to tell us that one of the girls who came on the trip went missing. The reason for why they came to our door was because Z is also A's roommate, and she's the CR. So there we are, in the middle of the night, in the hostel grounds, calling up people trying to find out where that girl was. Turns out she was sleeping in one her friend's rooms in the hostel. :/ After she told her parents to come pick her up. 

How she got into medical college, I'll never know.

Then I talked on the phone with H for a little while, and went to sleep. The next morning, Sunday, we had traditional halwa puri, and then just relaxed for awhile. Me and A finished watching the movie, which we couldn't the night before because the electricity went out. And then everyone started studying for the General Anatomy test (not me though) and I just watched them. I left at 5pm to go home.

I've been feeling really odd and out of place recently. To shed light on what I mean, today was the General Anatomy test...I didn't give it. I didn't even go to college. And I had it in my power to study the night before...but I didn't. My head was hurting, and I went to sleep at 11:30pm, something I haven't done since I was 13 years old. I feel a little reckless and confused...why am I doing this? I'm also really behind in a lot of my work for college, like my Histology practical, Biochemistry practical, and substage prep. Thinking about it a lot today, I vowed to myself to step it up, and get myself focused. I worked so hard to get here I'm not going to give it up THAT easily. I think I was still in the trip kinda mood, all carefree and having fun and not studying. 

I love Hugh Grant. I love him. I just watched ''Did You Hear About the Morgans?'' for the second time. He's just so...classy, and elegant, and cute and hot. 

Not to mention funny.

I've always had a crush on him, and since H speaks with a British accent, he sort of reminds me of him,the formal kind of a guy, a gentleman. :)

He just looks so badass here. Wow.

Load shedding has begun again in full force. Ugh. The light goes out for so long, and I don't mind as long as the UPS is working, but once THAT battery dies out...that's it, basically. Light's officially out for me. And like I mentioned before, the heat is CRAZY this year. It's way too early, and way too hot. I'm so hating this.

We're still having money problems. It's kinda like a slide. Sometimes we're good, sometimes we aren't. I'm even too afraid to ask my dad for money to buy solution for my contacts, which cost near nothing. Yes, we're that down in the dump. :( I have so much I need to buy (important things, mind you, not girly I-need-to-shop-no-matter-what things) like highlighters, and pay my bus fees, and new books for MBBS, but I can't ask for money. Dad is always worried all the time, and I don't want to worry him further, be it the fact that I'm only showing him reality. Because when you love someone, you want to take away anything that can hurt the other person, and prevent them from more hurt. I love my Daddy :)

Speaking of daddies...it's been a whole year since H's father's stroke. That. is. fuckin. amazing. He's still here, very much alive, and very much on the right track to getting completely better. I'm just so amazed and so thankful. Nobody except his family and me know what they have had to go through, it's been one hell of a year. A year that's changed everything about us. I told H to give him a hug from me. :)

I still do have a lot of problems,but to be honest, I'm sick of whining. I'll bring them up whenever they come up by themselves. Thanks for reading. If you've made it this far, leave a comment too :P

Death.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon.

 My mom's chachoo (uncle) died today, the younger brother of my grandfather, so he was basically like my grandfather.

Even though he was old and everything (79 years old) the shock and surprise is always the same. The feeling of solemness is always the same, and the day can't be a good day no matter what.

For sudden deaths, for young deaths, old, diseased, or expected, no matter what, it is always a surprise. I was just telling my sister that, and she agreed with me. Death is such a mysterious thing that even when it's time for someone to go, we just want to hold on for that much longer because even though, as Muslims, we know what's going to happen, we just can't bear knowing they're gone and experiencing something that we haven't, and for the remainder of our lives here, we won't see them again.My mom, dad, and the two little siblings went to Faisalabad for the death. Me and my slightly younger sister are at home, because she has a project deadline coming up, and I have my Histology spotting and 2nd substage this week, I can't aford to go to another city. It might sound horrible, but it really is a necessity to stay here. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I came into MBBS, I knew I would have to miss functions and deaths and weddings and hang outs. It's a choice I made, so even though I feel guilty occasionally, it's kinda for the 'greater good'.

May Allah give Nana Iftikhar a place in Paradise, forgive his sins, and lessen his punishment in the grave. (Ameen)

I know it's been a long time since I've blogged, but life just took an extremely hectic turn. Once Spring break was over, we were besieged with tests, and if I came online, it was for small things. It takes me approximately a half hour to write a blog post, and frankly, I didn't have the time. Lol.

Life, overall, is okay, with the exception of the death that just happened. Deaths always makes a person very solemn and quiet. So that's kinda my mood right now. 

Me and H are doing pretty alright :) The play was a fiasco though, I swear to God. Not going into details, it caused a major major fight, almost to the point where everything seemed completely pointless to continue, and then, we just kinda talked it out (after about 10 minutes of screaming at each other) and talked about why we're being so snappy and what we could do to fix it. We found out some solutions, and we did make up in the end. Now, things are not as lovey dovey as I want them to be, but I've realized now, that it's not always about the 'lovey dovey'. Well, I knew that before too, but I just wish things would go back to the way they were, when we both had so much time for each other, where all I had to do was give him one missed call and he's call back and come meet me within a half hour. But let's face it, we both know, and it is a fact of life, that as you grow older, you get busier, with you life, your education, your career, your job. And it's happened to both of us. Now most couples break it off because of lack of communication and the usual statement: ''You don't have time for me anymore.'' And though that is the case with us too, we are truly trying to make this work, because we can be together.

One of the points that we touched upon when we were talking everything through is my negativity. I may have mentioned before that I was having some serious trust issues with him, I wouldn't trust him on anything. And as we talked about it, I realized that in a way, things are my fault. Why aren't I giving myself a chance to make me trust him? Why am I deliberately putting myself through a frenzy of hell worrying about every little thing, about why he didn't call, about whether he loves me or not, and then always concluding the worst? I always thought that being a bit negative is good for a human, because then it allows them to prepare for any unexpected thing that can come their way, but a lot of good it has done me. It's just made me a cynic.

So that night, I decided to be more positive about my life and about my relationship. To always know in the back of my head that things can wrong, but to trust myself and to trust Allah that things won't. And Alhamdulillah, it has been working like a charm. He is still not texting a lot, and we didn't talk for about 2 nights, but I didn't take it negatively. I reminded myself that he does love me, he's just tired, and we have tomorrow (even though I'm a strong believer of ''too late'', I always believe that tomorrow might never come, so do what you want and what you have to today)

So things are better. Yay :)

I'm in love love love with this song:

Avril Lavigne's always been a love! She's one of my favorite singers ever, she helped get me through my teen years. Whenever I think of the period between 13-19 years old, I think of Avril, her voice, and her music :)

Okay, so now I'm going to get something to eat, and then probably start study. Or lay down for awhile, because I've been up since 10am and I went to sleep at 5:30am after talking to him for awhile. I'll try to blog on regularly, whenever I can get some spare time. 

Have a great Sunday :)

The fear of falling.

We talked on the phone last night.

It was a productive talk, I have to say. He texted all day saying that we would talk at night no matter what, and throughout the call, I could hear him struggling with his voice, he was so tired, and after about an hour and a half, he just fell asleep. I felt so bad at that point, thinking that to some extent, I can't really blame him for everything. I can blame him for not apologizing for the way he's been treating me, but his life is as tough as it can get.

The main thing that I reminded myself of last night, was that even though I've begun MBBS and I'm studying a lot, and it's really hectic and hard, atleast I get a three hour nap when I get home. Without that nap, I can't even think about studying, my brain feels heavy, and I will be lazy and sluggish all day (er, night). 

And he goes through the entire day without a nap, and yet he still talks to me at night, at around 1am. I can't think about staying up that late if I didn't have a nap. And he does it almost every day. He wakes up at 9 in the morning, finishes work by 5, then comes home and deals with his family, his dad, who is still recovering from his stroke. And doesn't get to nap or rest for himself.

O_O

I think I can let him off now. I think I've been a little too hard.

I asked him if he honestly thought that he was putting an effort in this relationship. He said:

''No, I'm not. I know I'm not. But I can't. I'm sorry. This is supposed to be the hardest part of our lives, the part where we're supposed to work for getting married. And you know it's harder for us too, because I'm Shia and you're Sunni, and I'm also younger than you. I have to come to your family and show them that I'm established.''

He also used an example. He said ''When you're about to give me a surprise, and I'm guessing about it, saying ''Are you going to give me a surprise?'' you would lie to me to keep the suspense right? A small white lie, just to make me very happy with the surprise in the end. Well Wafi, that lie is our life right now, and that surprise is the life we'll have when we get married. Please understand that.''

I admit his point was valid. But then how does he expect to have that happy married life is he can't maintain his relationship now? That's what I always wonder. He's not making me happy now, then how can we be happy and maintain that same feeling of closeness in the future? Because if one thing is certainly gone, it's the feeling of closeness I've had with him.

Well, everything else aside, I guess you can tell that I didn't end things with him. And I might be viewed as a huge weakling in front of everyone who is reading this post right now. But I can honestly say, that you guys haven't gone through all of this. This relationship, every little thing. I wasn't even on Blogspot when the good times, fantastic times were here. I might not trust him to be there for me, but I do trust him to not cheat, and more importantly, not leave. He said he won't ever leave. And for the past 2 and a half years, I've been the one who might've tried to call quits, but he's never done it. Not once. 

That's gotta mean something, right?

Things are just alright now. I still feel some sense of loneliness, and I am definitely not getting my hopes up. There's a play tomorrow, at my friend's university, and I asked him if he would come. He said yes. To be frank, I'm not excited, but it's not because of him It's because I don't want to get happy, and then find out he can't come, and then get into a really depressive state. And it's been so long since I've actually planned a sneak out, so it was kinda weird planning it today with my sister. We'll tell Mom this, and we'll go like this, and be back by this. Lol. But I have to take this step, and hopefully by the end of tomorrow night, I will feel much better. :)

InshAllah.

I studied a lot yesterday! :D Even started on Histology, which wasn't as hard as I thought. I never actually thought it was hard, just long and boring. I love the colors of that subject though. Pink and purple. My all time favourite :)

Today is the last day of Spring break. I am sad, because this week has been very blissful in terms of relaxation, it is exactly what I needed. I'm telling you, if there's one thing I hate more than anything, it is waking up at 6am. The amount of willpower it takes is sheer staggering. I honestly think I deserve an award if people know the raging war that goes on in my head in the morning.

''It's okay, go to sleep, you're so tired...''

''No, but today is a practical class!''

''So what, your attendance is perfect in that class, one day won't mess it up...''

''But I'll regret it like crazy when I wake up later in the afternoon!''

Yes. That's my mind.

You know how much I love blogging? I came on here right after I brushed my teeth and prayed :D Yup. Haha. And now I'm really hungry, and it's time for the next prayer, Asr. And then I'll begin studying, I guess. I really don't want to go to college tomorrow, really really don't. I'll make my final decision tonight, lol.

Alhamdulillah, money is coming in :) And my home life is pretty stable. 

I have to remember that I'm not the only one going through a hard time because of him, he's also going through a hard time because of life. Time will fix everything, not because of time itself, but it'll make me realize things. It'll make me see that he either is doing all this for me, or he isn't. It'll make me see what is true and what is not. And till then, my defence mechanism have already been up, so I will be prepared for the worst.

I hope everyone is having a good day, and will have an even better weekend :)

 

When I'm lost.

I knew the smoking topic would come up again, and I also knew that when it did, that whole box of things I put away in the farthest corner of my mind would come back out again.

I can't blame myself. I knew it would happen. I deliberately found this ''self defense'' mechanism in me so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I had way too much going on in my life, like studies, and my family, that I felt like it had to be dealt with later.

Then the whole thing with my brother happened. Which brought back memories of what happened with H.

And this time, I did not want to go back.

I did not want to go back to packaging all that up again and putting it at the back of my head.

For the sole reason that I was done lying to myself, telling myself everyday that everything is okay.

So when I embarked on these ''long, sensitive'' talks with him these past nights, it was with the intention of straightening everything out for me. After all, how long was I going to keep on telling myself that everything was fine when I really,truly felt like nothing was?

Was I supposed to pretend like everything was okay just because he was acting like it was? Wasn't it in my place to speak out when I felt like something was wrong?

After the night he told me that ''line'', we didn't talk again. He was probably tired from work and fell asleep early.

Not that I mind. But ever since that night, my mind has been a constant whirl of thoughts, and nothing more or less. I haven't talked to him since yesterday,not a single text. I need to think about this. I need to think about how to go about all of this.

How am I supposed to talk to this guy so that it doesn't make me feel like I'm talking to a brick wall?

''The only way a girl speaks out is if she knows she's going to be heard.''

How do I go about explaining the same goddamn things over and over again, in a way which makes him actually realize something, and it doesn't sound like he's heard it ten thousand times before?

I'm sick of having my texts ignored.

I'm sick of not being appreciated (note I said ''being'', not ''feeling''. This is an actual action that he is NOT doing).

I'm sick of no feedback.

I'm sick of being put third, fourth, tenth, whatever.

I'm sick of him not folllowing through to his promises.

I'm sick of him acting like trust comes with time, and with him not making an effort.

I'm sick of him blaming ME for not trusting HIM.

I'm sick of him acting like everything's alright all the time, when it's NOT.

I'm sick of my mind telling me over and over again not to believe him, because he'll just hurt me again.

I'm sick of getting sad just thinking about us and our (supposed) future.

I'm sick of everything.

I don't want to text him right now. And I haven't yet. I just need time to myself. Just to figure out exactly what I'm supposed to do or say.

Firstie!

I got my first blog award! :D

 Thank you Nas! You think I'm stylish! Or atleast, my blog is. :P If you haven't already checked out Closing Pandora's Box, you should. Doesn't the name itself just inspire you? :D

7 FACTS ABOUT MOI

1. I love kitties! I talk in an unknown language when I see them,haha.

2, I need to take charge of a project or a schedule. I'm bossy, yes. But I feel like nobody can do a better job than I can at leading.

3. I suck under pressure. Seriously. I panic, and hyperventilate, and freak out, and drop anything I'm holding. DON'T tell me to make a right when we've already passed it...while I'm driving. I will crash the car. :P

4. I have phobias. (: I am afraid of closed spaces (I still cannot go into elevators, and when I do, I keep on praying under my breath) I am afraid of heights (DEATHLY afraid. My heart feels like a frog, jumping everywhere. Which ultimately means I am afraid of rollercoasters and rides too) I am afraid of death (who isn't?) I am afraid of failing a major exam (You are free to call me a nerd.) And my fears basically rule my life. :(

5. I'm very materialistic, though I hate admitting it. Lol. My inevitable dream is to have a huge room closet like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. HELL YEAH.

6. I am very emotional, sensitive, and most of all..paranoid. I over anaylse and over think too many things, and I never leave things simple.

7. The first thing I ever wanted to be was a teacher. Then a lawyer. Then a psychologist. Then I thought, if I'm going to be a psychologist, why not get a medical degree and make it more official sounding? Lol, just kidding. Then, I wanted to be a doctor. But throughout all these career changes, doctor always stayed in my mind. It was the most consistent.

Tagging time! I'll tag:

Furva S. from Insights of the head beneath the cover

Drama Personified from It Ain't That Simple, Baby

Mehreen from The Perfect Line

Jeweliot from Crazy Diamond

Fatima Rana from Piece of Cake

Okay, that's enough already!

I REALLY REALLY have to go back to my household now, lol. Need to make a cup of tea for Dad, pray, and then sit down and study. Lol. Today is Monday, so I really hope everyone has a productive week!