Of tide and time.

When somebody tells you that your life can change in a moment, and all previous feelings you've had before can calm down with time, believe it. 

I opened up this journal for the first time in a very long while and read previous posts- and it feels like a past life. I don't remember feeling the ways I mentioned. I see very clearly now how me and H had a hollowed-out relationship, basically friends with deep feelings if you will. How I had to rearrange everything, my very soul to fit into his schedule, his lack of communication, everything. Reading all those old posts in succession put in into perspective. But that's neither here nor there. I haven't spoken to him directly in four years. 

It's a new H now. Let's call him HQ. And we're married. what? It's been 1.5 years. See what I mean by time and life changing in a moment? Who knows, maybe this blog might become the grievance committee for his wrongdoings. Or it may be a marriage experience journal. My wedding was everything I wanted it to be. Royal, dark, gold, Mughal-esque. That's a little unfair though. He is miles ahead of what H was. And in a lot of other ways, miles behind. I'll talk about that some other time. 

I wrote in another post about doing USMLE and "trying to kick residency ass" (God I thought I was so cool) well, I'm kicking it. A year and a half into it already. It feels like a dream at times, to finally be doing what I've been planning for the past 3 years. And now that I'm in it, I'm so consumed by it that I forget to be grateful at times. I stop in the hallways of my hospital and times and think wait. this is it. i'm in it. my career. my life. I still definitely struggle with keeping myself present but I'm trying. 

I'm sitting on my comfy bed, in a beautiful tropical state, working for a university program...this is eons and eras away from where I was just 5 years ago. H is still where he is. A Hajj travel agent I think. And also a voice artist for some Instagrammer. I'm amused. 

This post is probably lacking some poise and wisdom. I'm just coming back to terms with my writing side. Blogging is slightly harder when you're in a happier place. I could flow more easily when I was sad. 

Until then, here's a glimpse of new life.