Red Raw Dust.

I have been in a bad habit of staying up till 5am, and then waking up around 12pm. Today was different, today I woke up a tad earlier (11am) and I went out with H. 23 days left, till I leave. I should be making the most of each day but I don't. Some days I just roam about the house, doing random things.
I'm in love with my niece, Z. I don't know if she has been mentioned before in this blog. I will check right now. Okay, she's been mentioned indirectly. When she was born, and this is the strangest thing to say, I felt like I've known her for years. She was a new face but I felt like she was always a part of our lives. Her face and her mannerisms are so familiar to me, and this feeling is beautiful.
Pressure and stress are sort of getting the best of me, since I have so many things to do, and the first thing I should do is write them all down. But alas, I cannot bring myself to do it. I am free till the evening tomorrow so I will sit down and write a list. First thing after breakfast.
Meeting with Faizi tomorrow. These farewells. Sigh.
I have been ripping up all of my journals. I have kept journals since 2006, and I have six of them. I am reading through every post, and ripping them up. It's dead weight that I can't take back to the States, and it's time I've moved on. I was 15 when I started writing those, and even though I would occasionally read back entries and think oh, I'm the same person...I read them now and think Who the hell was that? That angsty, miserable person? Not that I'm amazingly happy right now, but I get by with my days of contentment and accomplishments. I see my raging struggle with my self esteem. I see my indecision about becoming a doctor, and considering Psychology and BBA. I see my puppy love about my ex. I see H being occasionally mentioned in some posts, and as a friend at most. I see my anxiety about exams, and wanting to top and pass each one. All I see in them are negativity. I want to be able to leave Pakistan physcially as well as mentally and emotionally. And getting rid of these journals will do that. E suggested burning them in one go. That was too harsh for me. I have to go through them once more atleast.


I miss the red sandstone that AKU buildings were made of.