Constellations.

So many events and occasions happen, that by the time I get around to opening this up, I don't know where to start and where to end. So, I'm going to write as much as I remember, and then make a vow to jot down anything that's on my mind.

I moved to Karachi for the month of March to do an internship. Writing it down, compacting it into one sentence, does not do it justice. I was excited to execute the first formal adult decision of my post graduate life. I sound silly, I know. But the feeling I had was bigger than anything I can write down. I only wish I wrote about every single day I was there, because it sure was eventful. It did get boring sometimes as well; I remember sleeping in till 3-4pm on my days off, wake up to have food, only to sleep again. But then there were days where I was having my on call dinner with A at Xander's at 1 in the morning, eating at a dhaba and feeling safe, walking to the water on the beach and letting it wash over me. And the breeze, the Karachi breeze will never be forgotten. I also remember feeling like Karchi was everything I imagined it would be, and also some new feelings developed for it as well. In the first few days, Karachi didn't feel like a part of Pakistan at all. I can't describe it any other way. But after awhile, it did.

Back to Lahore. Back to familiarity, and security, and greenery, and a place I can call home. I felt like my soul sighed of relief when I landed back here. I can't describe it; Lahore is such an amazing city for me.
Growing up and moving here, I was devastated. I felt like the U.S was my identity, and Pakistan was my bus stop. I would be moving back to the States soon, and this horrible nightmare would be over. There were nights where I would forcefully dream about Times Square and the bright lights, and feel my heart swell and I would get so excited and think, Yes. I will go back soon and then I will be the happiest person ever. If me and my sister were going through a rough patch regarding studies, parents, or boys, America was our getaway in our head. We will be back inshAllah, we said, and then everything will be alright. This illusion carried on till I was atleast 21. Even when I was asked if I would be okay after ending things with H, I said "If I move back to the States, I'll definitely be okay."
The illusion is gone. America is no longer enticing. Maybe when I go back and experience it for myself, it will be different. But I can't say for sure.

More in the next post. This was just a brief background story and it's been sitting in the Drafts for too long.