Me, the emotional one, tucked my emotions under my shirt and lived my life.
Actually I feel like I'm being swayed away by life. It's just pulling me here and there and this way and that and I get all these short term moments of being happy. But not the real thing, not the long term stuff. Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Haha.
Spring vacations have begun and I didn't even notice. Why, you may ask? Because my house is now a shadi ka ghar! My sister is getting nikkah-fied! MashAllah. Everyone say MashAllah. :) Ive been out and about every day for the last week, eating out, shopping, finalizing things. Today is the first day that I'm sitting at home, and I am so bored and awazaar. I wish I was out with mom and dad and sis right now, who are finalizing a hall. But marriage! She's going to be a wife. WHOA. I get hit by that every 26-28 hours. Granted, she'll still be living at my place, and sleeping next to me on our bed, but she's legally obligated to someone else. And everything worked out so well for her. I'm happy. She's happy. Alhamdulillah :)
Frequent readers of this blog know all about H. And me and him, and our antics, and our terrible moments, and our great ones too. Those readers also know that H has not been talked about in recent days (months?) This is only because my expressions have failed. I don't know how I feel about him because I think I've stopped feeling. We've both hidden that side of us, in lieu of this big bad life. I have so much going for me and he too. We're together, but not. We're used to going a week without phone calls and not meeting, and not saying anything deep and heartfelt. It's just stopped. He stopped it first, let that be known.
You know how they say that a woman can always tell when her significant other is cheating? Yeah. Well. H is not.
Haha, scared you there. I know he's not. And neither am I. And we care about each other to the maximum. But. I don't want that side of him back. I just don't. Maybe with more blog posts I can explore what it is that's within me, but for now that should suffice.
I'd like him back as a friend. He didn't do anything to hurt me badly enough that I can't love or care about anyone else. But I don't think I can feel the same way about him anymore. And luckily my mind hasn't fallen into depths of vivid memories of him and me, of our dates or special things we've said and done. My mind has selectively pushed them out...for now.
Where did this strength come from? Weird.
Fourth year of med school! Horrible Community test on the 9th and a Surgical ward assessment on the 15th and the nikkah after that. April is full.
Currently reading Ice Candy Man (Cracking India) by Bapsi Sidhwa. Review on it after I'm done.
And I need some gelato from Cosa.
More to come.
5 comments:
Masha'allah!! May Allah bless your sister's marriage.
As a frequent reader of your blog, I must say that this is the first post in a long while with regards to your relationship with H where I see strength. (I'm sure your strong person in real life, but since I'm only a reader of your blog my vision is one-dimensional).
People think that being self-aware is something trivial but to acknowledge takes strength.
Girl you got it.
Explore and keep writing. ;)
Wishing you all the best <3
Salaams,
I am so happy to hear about your sister's marriage MashaAllah, may Allah bless her so much! Ameen! :)
I hadn't read your blog in a while being caught up with life myself but wanted to check back because I loved reading your expressive writing. It's so strange how our lives, routines, and even the people in them at times undergo changes but I have come to learn that we require these changes to grow, otherwise progress wouldn't be possible. I'm glad all is well with you Alhumdulillah and hope it only continues to get better :)
Take care, W. You're a lot stronger than you think and I truly believe there's someone out there who will understand you more than you could ever imagine.
P.S. How is Mehreen doing?
Thanks for visiting my blog.. how is it that I've never read yours?! Well, I am here now, so I must warn you I do drop long philosophical comments. :)
What you just described with regards to your relationship with H (which I am now curious to read about in earlier blogposts...), is something very commonplace in relationships. I've been there. Everyone I know has been there. Does not mean you are strong or weak or whatever, IMHO. Its just... life you know? I don't know how H may or may not be the one who makes your life better, what I do know, that its all part of this big self discovery 101 class that the universe puts everyone on lol. You win some, you lose some - but there's always a lesson. :)
Oh BTW, congratulations to your sister for her upcoming marriage! I have done practically all kinds of weddings in India, except for a Muslim & a Bong one (some days I am photographer :P). I am dying to meet some Muslim bride in the near future.
And, med school? WOW. Faced with a choice between medicine and engineering, I chose the later because I knew I would make a seriously sucky doctor.. :P
Xxcomplicationsxx: exactly! Self awareness is such an internal struggle that it completely changes a person on the inside and nobody is the wiser.
APakistaniGirl: thank you :) for all your kind words. Mehreen is doing great and she's going crazy happy about my sister's good news mashAllah :D
IceMaiden: I await your philosophical comments haha. And yep. That's life. Ittakes awhile to rrealise but when you do its unmistakeable. Thank you! And med school is really tough you made a wise choice :p
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