Lonesome.

When you change and become a different person, it is best felt all at once, on a hot day. You don't feel it when it's happening slowly, just one day it hits you, like. Shit, this is me. Or shit, this is my habit. I've started having this horrible habit of keeping to myself in my room alot. I've become addicted to torrents and shows and watch everything I can get my hands on. My happiness is coming home to see all my torrents have been downloaded, and that I have something to watch with my food.
Another horrible habit. Eating with the laptop. In my room. Literally pile up food and drinks on a tray and take it upstairs. How truly horrible and selfish of me.

I think this all happened as soon as my sister got married. The room just seemed too big and too empty, and so did my heart. I tried to fill it up with as much as I could. She still lives in the same city, but I can't talk to her as much. We had this completely indescribable bond that had no name and no explanation. It was just there, and I loved it and didn't realize it until the side of her bed was empty every night. Now I call her and she can come once a week, and on the other days, she is busy with work and the maid and of course, the husband. She is the same person but a different erson. All people who have married siblings understand how I feel.

I need to kick this selfish habit. I need to sit downstairs more. With my family.

So many things have moved into motion these past few months. My parents can finally go to the United States, and my dad left just two days ago. When his flight was booked, I felt nothing. When he was packing, I felt nothing. I started to worry; am I numb? This has happened before too. I went on this great trip with my friends across the country, and for the first half of it, I felt nothing. And it worried me and gave me anxiety. But the day of the flight, I was filled with emotion and unreal-ness. Like, omG Dad is going back after 12 years. And to stay. I thought I was doomed to live in this country forever (sorry Pakistan; still love you though) Mom and little sister are up next. And I will be there soon enough, as soon as med school ends. I'm in a strange place where I want final year to ened as well as slow down so that I can enjoy my last year of freedom. After this it'll all be USMLE and prep and AMERICA. Oh sweet sweet America.

I just had melted ice cream that froze back and it was nasty. My tummy feels really weird now.
Tomorrow is OT day. Spending two hours in the operation theatre. Everytime my rotation shifts I find myself liking what I'm doing. I sort of liked Medicie; I liked Cardiology the most from it. And I really like Surgery. I thought the blood and organs would creep me out but now. It's very interesting. So what will I decide? I guess it's not that big of an issue right now.

Bye now.

Androon.

There's always one time of the year where my mind goes into a different state. A static state. I don't want to label it as depression, because I don't think it is, and it can't really be sadness, because there is nothing to be sad about. It's just dull. Everything is dull. Right now is that time of the year.

My teenage rebellious phase is back again. I just want to be freeeee and do what I want. Mom and Dad hounding me about marriage, and me refusing to accept it. If anything, I want to marry H for the companionship. How do you throw six years away? How do you justify not getting married when you've been in something with civility and decency?

 I'm 24, and when I'm alone and I remember that number, my heart skips a beat. 24? What? Meaning six years away from 30? This is all too quick and unreal. I don't want this. I want to travel.

Which brings me to my next topic: I am obsessed with learning Lahore's roads and areas. I want this map to be known like the back of my hand. I already know alot, deliberately learning and relearning all my journeys. I love this city, and living here for 13 years I want to completely know it. The names. Krishnagar. Mughalpura. Harbanspura. Ramgarh. Shah Alami. Rang Mehal. The architecture. Have you seen NCA, GPO? Government College, Lahore Museum? How do you people, with your rickshaws and your paan-spitting ways, pass by these streets and not see or feel the history soaked in them? Everytime I pass this area I'm in 1960 or less. And I want to be. I am in such a different state of mind that no friend or family with me at that moment, can understand. The same with Lahore Fort. Emperors walked here. Courts were held. Wars fought. Elephants. Power, majesty, history. Too much we know, none of which we have seen, Their existence needs our voices and our spirit.

Maelstrom.

There's something about German words. Blitzkrieg. I read that for the first time in 8th grade, in an Oxford History book. It means "lightning war". They called the World War II that. They're annoying and loud to hear, but nice to read.

We are currently living in the Stone Age here in Pakistan. No light, no gas, and if you wait long enough, no water. Those days I curl up in my bed, with my half charged laptop and watch reruns of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Guilty pleasure, that I've told everyone about, and am not ashamed of. The trick is to be so open and unabashed about it, that nobody can bother you or tease you. And so they don't :)
FINAL YEAR MBBS. Where do I start, where do I end. It hit me on the face the very first day. FOUR hours of wards?! So hard. And then the teachers breathing down your neck and telling you off for not knowing anything. Now we know where all the teachers were when we were in 3rd and 4th year. They were busy with final year. So I am not happy that things had to get serious so quick. And serious in a way, where I can't see myself bunking, and that. really. hurts. That's what hurts most of all. I need my escape window. To leave the college when it all feels like too much, and knowing that I can get away with it.
Kt is married, and now its just me and my little sister. The family dynamic has changed; I'm closer to lil sis in so many new ways. We talk more. She sleeps on Kt's side of the bed.

Need to go pick out my clothes for tomorrow, and then sleep. I want to write more but the looming need to pick out clothes is killing me. Bye!

In Loving Memory.

With my sister getting married and leaving, friends are coming over almost every day. A just left. I realized as soon as she left, that

1. She said she would find me a torrent for the movie Diana since yify doesn't have one, and other torrents require me to download tons of shit before actually giving me the torrent.

2. We always document our visits with selfies. Took none. And we walked in the fog too. I wish we had a picture of that. It was so nice. Fog has its own smell.

I am sleeping to my content, and eating. And wrapped in my blanket every day, because there is no gas. All that's missing from my life is shopping, but it doesn't matter. I'm loving this anyway.

So, tomorrow is the last day of 2014. I have a bunch of resolutions in my head that I want to pen down. I will by tonight. But none of the "new year, new me" stuff. I think change in a person comes regardless of January approaching. It can catch you whenever. It has caught me in  different places of the year, this year. In the hostel. At the wedding.

That's all in my mind right now. Okay bye.

Of the fittest.

I survived.
I survived and I thought I never would. I thought I would drown, suffocate, in this month of December with the wedding and the best friend and the EVERLARGE prof. And it's all over. It's all done and I made it through. I feel like I've fought a thoroughly physical battle.
Today, I am calmer than I have been in days. I couldn't attend my sister's Walima, because I still had one more viva to give, but I stayed at the hostel. Even for written exams, I stayed here. I don't know why people get sad that I stay here. Truth be told, I like it. It's enjoyable. Even now, when I'm just sitting under a yellow light while friends are sleeping, and watching TFIOS for the first time.
Best friend was here which felt unreal and yet absolutely amazing. Sleepovers and pizza and pasta and secrets and soooo many stories in 8 years that they were spilling over each other and yet we still haven't told them all. Something about Cuabin crew, and the FBI contacting her. I don't know.

I am in such a peaceful state. Wrapped up in this fleece blanket with the heater right next to me and the room so warm.I'm really happy and calm. This happiness only comes after prof. During the holidays.
I miss Kt insanely. I can't talk about it with anyone else because I don't think they'll get it. I dislike change, and it's going to be the weirdest thing not having her in the house anymore. I used to call her for everything, show her funny things, and talk about random thoughts well into the night. Sleeping in the same bed for nearly a quarter of a decade. This is something new, and something I refuse but need to get used to. To texting and calling her instead of going in the other room. I'm thinking about her all the time. If there's anything putting a damper on my happiness, it's the thought of the empty house when I go back.
Okay I'm done. (:

Sting.

The toxic Prof season is here. It's the fourth time I'm giving these horrid exams and they never get easier. This year has been particularly hard because I've been multitasking wedding prep with prof prep. My vivas may even fall in between her wedding dates, which isvery overwhelming and I've made my peace.
I just had my dinner and Mom gave me my shaami kebab late. So I'll have it with a fork and ketchup on the side. ENT prof tomorrow, and I'm calming my brain down, like 'You've got this. Sto panicking'. Even though the MCQs are very very hard. I just practised some. Why didn't the department prepare us well for MCQs? Stupids.
I feel like. I have travelled 500km in 7 days. With Interstellar (I've always wanted to watch a movie about time relativity, and this movie was so relatable to me on so many levels that it was insane and the plot and the scenes still haven't left my head) and talks with A that have left me winded and confused as well as content. I always used to wonder how the hostelites can be able to travel intercity and settle and be able to meet each other during exams. I am such an uptight person that I barely move from my seat while studying, and my 100% focus is on the subject. Food and water and other shit are secondary. But living in the hostel and doing more than 100% focus (more like 75% focus) had such conflicting feelings in me. I mean, yeah, my preparation wasn't as good as other profs, or as it could be at home. But I felt like I could breathe, with a mixture of everything happening. Foof, friends, laughter. It was good. But now I'm home.
My best friend is coming on Monday, and I have been literally containing myself. Nothing more to say on that.
Wrapped up in a baby pink blanket, I will now finish my shaami and read the rest of Larynx and Esophagus.And probably have a bit of Sting later because I'm already starting to feel tired.

Empire.

Google Earth-ed my old NYC home. Spent the last hour going through the streets, and seeing it all- John and Joe's Pizzeria, the mosque me and K went to as kids. Many memories of that place. Where I learned how to offer namaaz for the first time. When I completed Quran for the first time. Alot of firsts. P.S 105 right opposite our apartment building, yet I was still late to school everyday. Also, I thought I dreamt that me and K would go to a library nearby. But as I searched, it was there. 0.3 miles away. New York Public Library. Hours and hours spent there. (How did Mom ever let her 10 and 9 year old walk there alone?)


I do not talk about my love affair with NY as much as I should.