The Rut Diaries.

I need someone to convince me, complete with examples and justifications, to tell me that I will be strong enough to face the upcoming shitty phase of my life. It's disconcerting, watching the storm coming.

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Memories that will always stay alive because neither of us will let the other forget.

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I seek desperately for the imposition of order in my life.

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I'm so afraid of the lurches in our heart that will happen, of the blinding flashes of memory when I hear that song, see a place, or a photograph. I'm so afraid of bearing and tolerating and struggling and pushing through the initial stage of absence and loneliness and loss.

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Is love stronger when it lets go or when it hold on?

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Strangely, through five whole years... I never imagined our wedding. I thought of being married to you, and dreamt about daily routines, waking you up in the morning and sending you off to work and whatnot, but never the wedding itself. The heavy jora, you next to me, sherwani and turban clad. Or maybe I have imagined it, but its so long forgotten no amidst the business of our lives and the turmoil that we are going through. Is this indicative of something?

Tests, assignments, hectic ward days. Baat pakki's getting done, cousins getting married, crazy 500km road trips. Cinnabon, Gloria Jean's, rainy weather, new clothes. So many reasons to be happy and free. And my mind is stuck. With no solution. And always wondering.

Times and Tides.

Winters came back in the form of fog in the mornings and nights and a thunderstorm with big fat drops of rain. I like it. Winters have to be enjoyed,especially here, where they only last 3-4 months.
Yesterday was a perfect example of how time is SO important for everything. Found out something huge,seeing bits and pieces of the puzzle come together,and the word that always comes to my mind in times like these is 'mosaic'. I don't know why. It just does. All things need time. People need time, careers need time,moments. Places. Feelings. Whatever. You need a solution? It's time. No matter how impatient you are or how urgent the matter seems. Events seem to unfold themselves.
Khair,that huge thing? It has oddly lifted a weight off me that I didn't even know was there. Our subconscious. Tricky clever things that slowly push things to the back until they're in shadow.
Lessons,lessons.

At the tips of your fingers.

No laptop,it fell and cracked its side. And now it most likely has a hardware problem. So mobile app for now.

I don't seem to remember dates anymore. Someone can remind me 4 times that today is the 28th and I'll still forget. What sort of carelessness is this.
At 23, I saw something which other people noticed earlier, either because they were taught it or because they're wiser than me. We as humans see what we want to see. And only rarely do we have the courage to realise AND act on it (forget diamonds,denial is a girl's best friend)  People are shit and you can laugh it off or actually start to think. Acha. So you're like THIS. *cut invisible strings* and then go forward with your existence,not looking back. There isn't time to look back yaar. Life's too short,especially in Pakistan.
Med schooool and fourth year to be precise. I feel older now,and its a new feeling outside of my home. How lucky am I not to feel my age because I barely look it. Umr chor.
I miss visiting Old Lahore. It sparked something in me. And I wish I was more involved in college activities like writing or sports.
Anyway. I just woke up from a very fulfilling nap and saw this cute orange square on my screen. Blogger. So I decided to use it. Bye.

Snowfall.

I wish to see snowfall. It's been so long. Too long, in fact.
Winters are my favourite time of the year. So I'm generally happy. 
There's just something about grey,cold mornings and walking to the bus stop with "You" playing in my ears. It's a feeling unlike any other. I've worn double socks and double sweaters for the first time ever, and it's such a warm toasty feeling Two sweaters sometimes makes me feel like I'm in a bind, though.
Fourth year of med school now really does feel like the REAL DEAL. Doctor? Really? Shiiiit. This is happening. Wards, however unimportant, should be attended for practice. Gynaecology is from Monday and that is a crucial one.

I have made these unique rules about rishta-picking:

1. When I look the guy up online, his first and last name should be spelled with a capital. 
2. He should be able to spell "bureau" and "queue". Yes, I will ask them face to face.
3. This is going to sound discriminatory. But since my Urdu is, at best tolerable, he must have good working English. I cannot stress how important this is.
4. He needs to be a complex person.

The other rules are the same old. Funny, witty, blah blah.
This doesn't mean that H is out of the picture. He's still very much there, actually. But at the moment this alter ego refuses to acknowledge the reality of the situation because it's too painful to experience. And don't go telling me to be strong. I'd like to see you do it.

This New Year, along with the other usual stuff, I've decided to let things be. I don't need to go around looking for reasons for why things happened to me. 
Faith. Is going to play a major role this year. Allah ki marzi. People walked out of my life, and didn't bother telling me why. So here I am, allowing them to go. Without torturing my brain with all the minute details.

 Letting go.

Happy belated New Year peeple :)

I want all of these! (Oh how I've missed adding photos)

Ups and downs in life. Right?
The most challenging is the down.
The low. Especially when you're struggling to find a reason why it happened to you.
Then it feels like there wasn't any "up" in the first place. Ever.

Mickey.

W. Seriously man,what happened? What was that all about? From talking almost every day to texts dwindling more and more in June. And now I have a fear of texting you because I don't like receiving one or two word texts from people who gave me conversations as deep as the sea. You are the only person in the world that I know will be there for me even if we haven't talked in ages. Who can spin talks and laugh so hard and show me all this love without feeling anything romantic.

You,nobody else,would send me a slice of Masoom's cake all the way from Islamabad 'just cuz'. And TCS me a jar of Davidoff's best house blend coffee because I told you two nights before that I've had nothing but Nescafe in my life. Or listen to my 4 hour rants about H without interrupting once. They were really four hours long. So long,and you made them feel like minutes.

I've seen your genuine smiles when I come over to Islamabad or you to Lahore. Whenever we meet we have these huge smiles. My cheeks hurt. Its funny because we all say Aoa to a thousand people a day and it means nothing. But all we say to each other is 'Hey', and we get happy.

Carom. Ludo. Blair Witch project. The G-8 park at 6am. So many words and subjects and topics. To talk about.

I sometimes wish you weren't so against hugging. Because if I could,I would everytime. You are a complete double edged sword and you go off into the wilderness at times but you always come back. With a bang. A text,rather. Leading into a phone call.

Profs are ending tomorrow. I'm adding you in my FnF since I have a new Warid sim. And I'm calling you. And I'll listen to everything you say. But please stop this bullshit of ignorance. I don't know why you're doing it and I used to care but now I don't. Let's talk. Deeply. 

Altered sensorium.

I don't know how it happened, but it did.
A couple of brownies here and there, and then my heart's racing. And I can't sleep. And everything feels completely unreal. People are walking in front of me, and you think it's all a lie. I'm telling people I'm not crazy, and I wish they'd stop laughing. In my head, I'm talking perfectly fine. To others, I'm slow as hell. Thing is, they know exactly what's happening to me, and I'm stuck in this whirl of clouds thinking "This feeling is going to last forever." "I'm going to die for sure." "My heart's going to explode from shivering."
Now, I have more confirmation than any other that getting high is so overrated. Definitely not recommended if you have a darker side to you, a meaner, evil side. You need to be nice and happy to enjoy it. And friends around too.
And to have it in between profs. Shit. I'm loosening up a little too much, aren't I?
It's over. And I don't want it again. And I honestly have the coolest supportive people in the world. All the way from H smelling it and laughing, to M saying It's perfectly normal, I'll come by tomorrow, and check on you (And she did. She left a few hours ago. And we watched Vines and cuddled in blankets and talked about every shitty thing under the sun). And Kt, being right there when I was too afraid to sleep for fear that I'll die. Haha.
I want a Domino's pizza so badly right now. Veggie Feast.
Nobody judged. Or passed a sarcastic comment or said anything. And they have no idea how much I love them for it.

Okay, forgetting all the sappy stuff. Prof vivas and practicals are happening, and I'm smack dab in the middle of them. I had four days to study for the Pathology viva, and I've wasted one and a half just getting over myself. And sleeping. Alot. ALOT. 14 hours straight.
New friend. N. She's from college, but not in the same group. I have needed and depended on her so much during these exams. I couldn't have gone through them without her. I'm going to call her after this. So lost about what to study.

I have another blog post completely ready to write about, but for later.
Cheers to a first. (: