I need someone to convince me, complete with examples and justifications, to tell me that I will be strong enough to face the upcoming shitty phase of my life. It's disconcerting, watching the storm coming.
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Memories that will always stay alive because neither of us will let the other forget.
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I seek desperately for the imposition of order in my life.
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I'm so afraid of the lurches in our heart that will happen, of the blinding flashes of memory when I hear that song, see a place, or a photograph. I'm so afraid of bearing and tolerating and struggling and pushing through the initial stage of absence and loneliness and loss.
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Is love stronger when it lets go or when it hold on?
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Strangely, through five whole years... I never imagined our wedding. I thought of being married to you, and dreamt about daily routines, waking you up in the morning and sending you off to work and whatnot, but never the wedding itself. The heavy jora, you next to me, sherwani and turban clad. Or maybe I have imagined it, but its so long forgotten no amidst the business of our lives and the turmoil that we are going through. Is this indicative of something?
Tests, assignments, hectic ward days. Baat pakki's getting done, cousins getting married, crazy 500km road trips. Cinnabon, Gloria Jean's, rainy weather, new clothes. So many reasons to be happy and free. And my mind is stuck. With no solution. And always wondering.
4 comments:
I am of the firm belief that love and hearts becomes stronger and smarter when they are free.
Take a deep breath, let go and you'll learn how to swim again.
You were single once, you can do it again. <3 :)
Allah apny bandy ko us ki himmat aur berdasht sy zada bari takleef nhi dyta, just believe in that .. and you'll get through in'sha'Allah :)
I love Gloria Jeans and Cinnabon, too. :) The unhealthy ingredients and being left in a sugar induced head rush not so much, haha!
This blog used to be an old favorite and I miss the way you used to write, W. Full of emotion and expression, helping us all better understand what the word 'feeling' means. You don't write like that anymore.
Hope all is well though Insha'Allah.
Thanks xxcomplicationsxx and Anonymous.
APakistaniGirl, I've changed as a person. I'd love to be able to write and express more, but I don't know what holds me back. Things are good though alhamdulillah :)
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